For the sake of fitness, American college students are being asked to waddle back to their all-you-can-eat cafeteria buffets each time they want a new plateful of hot ham-n-cheese sandwiches and ranch dressing-laden iceberg lettuce. Too much to ask?

Rather than being provided large plastic trays upon which three or four separate plates covered with—respectively—salisbury steak, cajun fries, and soft-serve ice cream, our young scholars will now have to select only the amount of food that will stack upon a single plate. Then, they will need to transport that plate to a flat cafeteria table some yards away before returning to the buffet to fill yet another plate with more foodstuffs, repeating the process until they cannot choke down one more green bean or industrial-size vanilla sheet cake morsel before returning to their dorms to nap.

Among the expected benefits of this new policy: the calories burned by students walking back and forth from the food-obtaining area to the food-consuming area may be enough to shave several ounces off the famed "Freshman 15," knocking it down to the "Freshman 14.7." With their newfound spry limbs, unencumbered by the fat of that last plate of nachos that the tired student decided would not be worth the sweat of carrying back to a far-flung cafeteria table, our college community members will doubtless feel energetic enough to team up to form environmentally-concerned student clubs and create safe spaces for women there, on the newly-slimmed college campuses. As well as bone more.

As long as colleges don't start fucking with kids' god-given right to make six sandwiches at the sandwich station at lunch and wrap those sandwiches in napkins and smuggle them out of the cafeteria to be consumed later that night, after smoking weed, we have no problem with this.
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