How To Restore Your Reputation After Battling a Cannibal Hooker

Golden-hued flack Lizzie Grubman made a professional comeback after running people over with her car. ShamWow guy Vince Shlomi was arrested for beating a cannibal hooker. Now he's hired Lizzie Grubman to engineer his comeback. Perfect. Allow us to assist.

Lizzie's solution, according to Gatecrasher (late pass for us, but it's worth it!), is to drag Vince to all the fanciest Fashion Week events to be photographed with celebs. That's one way to go. Or:

  • Get Plastic Surgery—It's useful not only for repairing the facial damage inflicted by a crazed, teeth-gnashing cannibal hooker, but also for subtly altering your look so that people who spot you in the future don't immediately point and say, "Hey—isn't that the guy who got arrested for fighting a cannibal hooker?"
  • Flee the Country—Uruguay, Gambia, Micronesia. We've just named three of the dozen or more nations where ShamWow and SlapChop infomercials have not so saturated the television broadcasts that you could not take two steps without being recognized as that ShamWow guy—the one who had the bloody confrontation with the cannibal hooker.
  • Become a Hermit—Throughout history, many of the holiest men on earth have made the decision to take to a cave on a windswept hillside, isolating themselves from society in order to meditate and get closer to god. This is also an effective way to isolate oneself from the prying eyes of the public and media, who are always eager to pigeonhole you as "The guy with the cannibal hooker problem." Although we have to be honest: God is not so great on forgiving cannibal hooker fights, either.

[Pic: Getty]