Nothing matters more on the Upper East Side than status. We love the Mad Men power rankings Mark Lisanti's compiling for Movieline, but we thought the concept would be even more apt for the back-biting, social-climbing universe of Gossip Girl

So, for the premiere we started everyone off at zero and gave them plus and minus points based on whether they were taking power, giving it up, ruining their reputations, or making a fabulous scene. The totals below.

The annual "last fun of summer before school starts" episode had everyone giving up their control, getting into nasty entanglements, and having their secrets blown. Gone are the little girls who will sharpen their knives as easily as they place a headband, instead we got young women insecure about their place in the world.

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

1. "Scott":
Family Secrets
: No one knows he is really Lily and Rufus' son: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Is playing Vanessa like a fiddle: +6
Personality Flaw: Has to deal with annoying, whiny Vanessa: -4
Social Schemes: Gets the Rufus intro he's wanted without looking like a stalker: +3
Total: 10

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

2. Blair:
Sexual Intrigue: Refuses to settle down: +2, So insecure in her relationship that she lets Chuck call all the shots: -2, Makes sweet, sweet love to Chuck: Even
Fashion Points: Wouldn't be caught dead at the polo match without a hat: +1, The hat is fantastic: +1
Social Schemes:Orchestrates getting Carter Basin to stay away from Serena by placing a restraining order against him on herself: +8, Thwarted to keep Carter away from Serena by Serena's secret: -4
Total: +6

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

3. Rufus:
Power Play: Managed the family and the house in Lily's absense: +3
Family Secrets: Get's fooled by Serena, and if that dimwit can fool you, then you're fucked: -3
Social Schemes: Falls right into his son "Scott's" trap: -2, Buys up almost all the paparazzi shots of Serena: +10, Doesn't quite get them all: -4
Money: Does it all with Lily's money: -2
Total: +2

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

4. Dan:
Fashion Points: By the looks of his guns, he spent the summer using Lily's money on a personal trainer and gym membership: +2, Also used Lily's money on a designer wallet: +1
Social Schemes: Wants to help Serena, but can't on his own, so he turns to Blair for help: -4, Thwarted by Carter Basin: -4, Is going to get totally schooled by his half brother "Scott": 0, for now
Hurray! Tells Vanessa to shut the fuck up: +6
Total: +1

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

5. Chuck:
Fashion Points: Wears a man brooch: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Convinces Blair that flirting with other girls is hot: +5, Has total control over Blair and doesn't use it to his advantage (read threeway): -2, Appears to be totally pussy whipped: -3
WTF: Plays the waiter to Blair's angry customer. Please, Chuck Bass is not the help!: -1
Total: -2

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

6. Nate:
Fashion Points: Gets rid of his Efron bangs: +6, Reveals a scraggly, jagged hairline underneath: -8
Money: Refuses a sweet ride from his grandfather: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Is dating Bree Buckely, the scion of a rival political family: +3, She wants to keep it a secret: -3
Social Schemes: His grandfather is going to use it against him: -3
Power Play: Would rather mourn the loss of his manbangs than take an internship that will lead him to a political career: -2
Total: -5

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

7. Serena:
Power Play: Increased paparazzi attention: +5, Let's Nacho the polo player order her around: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Slept with Christiano Ronaldo: +1, Does it with Carter to shut him up: +5, Ditches him afterwards: +1
Family Secrets: Gets caught out by Rufus for spending her summer partying instead of meditating on an ashram: -2
Fashion Points:Says she can't go to to the polo match without a hat and then goes to the polo match without a hat: -1, Wears a fierce orange dress: +1
Family Secrets: Carter Basin knows all her secrets: -4
WTF: Rides off on a horse. Really: -3
Social Schemes: Stupidly believes that paparazzi photos of herself will somehow make her father love her: -8
Total: -6

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

8.Jenny:
Family Secrets: Can't keep Serena's secret: -3
Power Play: Can't manage to get herself a storyline on the first episode: -8
Total: -11

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

9.Lily:
Social Schemes: Tells her family that she is going to help her scheming mother with her cancer treatments. She's really getting some work done. Fantastic cover: +3
Power Play: Her daughter is running wild. Again: -20
Total: -17

Gossip Girl: And the Horse You Rode In On

10.Vanessa:
Sexual Intrigue: Broke up with Nate, so now she's poor again: -2, Makes out with "Scott." She is now totally his pawn: -5
Family Secrets: We think she and Nate are keeping a secret: +3
Power Play: Not serving coffee: +1
Personality Flaw: She won't stop fucking whining: -3
Social Schemes: "Scott" totally convinces her to crash the polo match for his own selfish purposes: -4
Fashion Points: She has some sort of hair situation going on at the polo match that makes it look like she has white lady dreads: -2
Tell Off: Goes off on Dan and gets totally schooled: -6
Total: -18