After last week's premiere of the new Melrose Place, we thought it was a two-bit whore. Turns out, it's a hooker with a heard of gold. OK, right now it's a heart of bronze, but it's working its way there.
The award for most-improved goes to high class call girl Lauren. Last week we thought she was going to be a sanctimonious hag, but she has already turned into a hard-hearted hooker. In just two episodes! After her client from last week calls up, he offers her services to a friend. Lauren says she'll never do it again, but when med school says they'll kick her out if she doesn't pay tuition and Ella gives her a push in the right direction, she's back in a short skirt and heading to another fancy house for an evening of forced small talk and intercourse. We also love that this whole scenario is totally outlandish in a true MP style. If everyone could become a sex worker and get paid $5,000 a pop to have sex with hot, successful guys who live in really cool modern houses, well, let's just say I wouldn't be sitting around typing TV recaps for a living.
Also a little fake was Lauren running into Ella and David at a Hollywood party. What, is there only one swanky shindig in the whole city? She handled herself admirably though, and her biggest fear seems to be her friends' judgment rather than the precarious legal situation she has put herself into. We give it two more episodes before she gets some psycho client who ties her up or refuses to pay her or some shit.
As a Melrose psychic, we totally called that Violet was Sydney's daughter, or at least she thinks she is. We could all see that our Syd was totally lying to Violet in the creepy flashback (which continues to be the highlight of the show). Violet—who is one N away from being violent—presents her long-lost mommy with some fucked-up, pipe-cleaner-and-beads arts and crafts project she made at summer camp when she was nine. Scary. We can't tell whether Ms. Simpson-Wentz and her blank stare make her a really bad actress or a really good actress who is playing a fucked up psychopath. We'll see in weeks to come, now that she has a job as a hostess (oh, the heights!) at the same restaurant where Auggie, the dog-named object of her puppy love, works, we see some potential in her future. Remember the craziest broads on this show are always the red heads!
Auggie is totally the Jake of the new Melrose. He works in a restaurant, he's really hot, spends lots of time shirtless, and has little to no personality. He did kill his ex-girlfriend by mistake though, which made him an addict. We learn in flashbacks that Sydney got him sober, messed around with him a bunch, and that she attacked him on the night of her death, which explains the bloody clothes he was burning last episode. Again, we totally called that he wasn't the killer. We still wait for Auggie to do something cool.
He may be falling for equally dog named Riley, who also continues to bore us. Ditto for fiance Jonah. Will they start cheating on each other already so this can get good?
A much better match than those two is David and Ella, who used their time at a swank party to the best of their advantage. David stole a watch. Fun. We're waiting for him to get caught so that he can weasel out of it in some compromising way. We hope it involves selling his body.
Apparently that is something that Ella won't do to land a client. To keep her job, she has a weekend to sign some fake British superstar as a client. When the limey tells her whip out the knee pads if she wants to sign him, she marches out by the pool (in her ridiculous white dress that looked the most fashionable thing to wear to a KKK meeting—sans hood, thankfully) and takes a picture of his dick. Somehow this makes him hire her as a publicist. We're still confused to exactly how this all worked, but we might have just been distracted by the introduction of Ella's hot gay boss, Caleb. He was voted Most Likely to Co-Star with Neil Patrick Harris in Our Three-Way Fantasies.
We kind of like it when Melrose doesn't make sense though. It reminds us that we're in an alternative reality where anything can happen. We seem to have finally tapped into that universe with the second episode. We're going to give this show a few more chances, but if we don't see some real camp craziness by sweeps, we're going to start watching The Biggest Loser instead.