I can hear it. I hear it between the lines, man. Obama's talking to The Jews, celebrating their version of Ramadan, when they munch on their eucalyptus-like crack-snacks and plot 2010's media domination. Want to know what he's really saying?

As members of the Jewish faith here in America and around the world gather to celebrate the High Holidays, I want to extend my warmest wishes for this New Year.

Listen up, Jews. We got me here. Now it's time to get our shit in gear. Julius and Ethel, you listening? This is *our* motherfuckin' year. Or at least that's what Rahm tells me.

L'Shanah Tovah Tikatevu – may you have a good year, and may you be inscribed for blessing in the Book of Life.

Those Goyim really did it this time, huh? Our book of life? The World Bank's Register. Yours? The Lost Symbol.

Rosh Hashanah marks the start of a new year – a time of humble prayer, joyful celebration, and hope for a new beginning. Ten days later, Yom Kippur stands as a day of reflection and repentance. And this sacred time provides not just an opportunity for individual renewal and reconciliation, but for families, communities and even nations to heal old divisions, seek new understandings, and come together to build a better world for our children and grandchildren.

Since you Jews don't believe in hell, you make great partners in crime. You repent for one day and go about breadwinning (or should I say: challah-winning? Challah back!) for the rest of the world at all other times. And you celebrate it today, before you repent. Pre-emptive! Also, I know you like to breed. Feeling the heat, Whitey?

At the dawn of this New Year, let us rededicate ourselves to that work. Let us reject the impulse to harden ourselves to others' suffering, and instead make a habit of empathy – of recognizing ourselves in each other and extending our compassion to those in need.

Jesus was a Jew, and they all know it. Suckers.


Let us resist prejudice, intolerance, and indifference in whatever forms they may take — let us stand up strongly to the scourge of anti-Semitism, which is still prevalent in far too many corners of our world.

If haters think Rahm Emmanuel is bad, Abe Foxman will cut Anti-Semites fucking balls off. You know what happened to Mel Gibson? Yeah. Foxy Abe fed him kreplach while our boys trepanned any creativity right out of his head. Now he's meshugganah. He dug up Marge Schott and skullfucked her. Yeah. Foxman's dangerous.

Throughout history, the Jewish people have been, in the words of the Prophet Isaiah, "a light unto the nations."

That light, of course, being the shiny sparkle of cold hard currency.

Through an abiding commitment to faith, family, and justice, Jews have overcome extraordinary adversity, holding fast to the hope of a better tomorrow.

We know you don't actually like Joe Liberman, but we'll get a Jew in front one of these days. Meanwhile, we're here, right?

Michelle and I wish all who celebrate Rosh Hashanah a healthy, peaceful and sweet New Year.

Like Jay-Z, Kanye, and Rihanna, Me, Michelle, and You Jews are gonna Run This Town tonight.

It gets worse. He's not even being discreet about it! Watch as he spreads his vile propaganda to the Muslims, his own people, too. The Jewish-Muslim New Year Ramadan Order is here, my friends. be scared. Be very scared.