Dear Heroes: Our Abusive Relationship Is Over

Though there were signs that it wasn't going to last after the first year, we stuck around, willing to work hard to keep the love alive. However, after three long years, it's finally over. We're not tuning in anymore.

That's right, we will not be watching tonight's fourth season premiere, or any other episode every again. Things started off beautifully, we were young and in love with your geeky heart, winning humanity, and general sense of fun. You kept things exciting week to week and we looked forward to every time we got to make sweet sweet love to you on Monday night. We helped you save a cheerleader, and together we would save the world from loveless episodic primetime sci-fi programming. However, at the end of our first year together, you disappointed us by not giving us the kind of finale we expect. Like all the women reading Cosmo, if we're not feeling the fireworks at the climax, we're going to have to pleasure ourselves.

You registered our disappointment, and worked hard during our second year, but the thrill was gone, and you squandered what fondness we had for you on flights of fancy and floundering around trying to find which direction to go in. We wanted to leave you then, and we had our bags packed, but you said, "No, stay. I have something great in store. Next year is going to be amazing. I've turned it all around and split next year into two parts. It will make you love me again."

Like Rihanna, we believed you and came back, and you continued to hit us in the face each week, giving us black eyes of boredom, headaches of unbelievability, and a general nausea of horribleness. You forgot who you were and we muddled through it together, hoping that those honeymoon days of our young love could come back. We never even got a glimmer.

This time, when you say that you know the road has been hard, and that you're going to improve. You said you would dedicated the whole year to "Redemption," but we're just not believing you. You proposed a threeway with that lovable villain Robert Knepper, who warmed our loins for the years during Prison Break, and said you would take us to the circus, and we were tempted. But then we remembered all the horrible things you did to us last year, and that we would much rather play with a bunch of girls and gossip than try to save the world with you.

We're sick and tired of your weak lies of improvement. At this point, you've spent more time being horrible than being great. So, sorry Heroes, you're on your own this year. Thanks for the memories, but it's over.