This Recession Stuff Is So Predictable

The Way We Live Now: Typically. Everyone gets poor and next thing you know couples are splitting up, families are crowding into small apartments, rich kids are battling poor kids, and everyone's giving up their career to sell beer. Typical.

Look at this scientific evidence: A census, by our broke government. What did they find? Declining property values, increasing divorces, more people living in smaller spaces, immigration's slowing, less health insurance, blah blah blah.

Typical! Any jerk could have just surmised these things without going to the trouble of doing a census, which probably cost lots of money we don't have, btw. Oh look, "The search for employment is forcing more couples into long-distance relationships." Big surprise! Tell me something else I already know! Glad I took the time to skim professional newspaper websites while drinking Diet Mountain Dew so I could learn this amazing information! Rather than just already knowing it by common sense, which I did!

Maybe the media can find a fairy tale-level morality play about rich and poor people to write about? Ah yes: In China the rich kids ride around in their fancy cars running over the poor kids and they don't give a whit until the poor kids have had just about enough and the whole is ready to explode, like, I don't know, let's say a powder keg.

Boy yea we never heard of that one before, except on like Saturday morning cartoons, forever. An even older story: the recession-inspired descent into alcoholic despair. "Stephen Valand, 23, and Erica Shea, 25, quit their jobs earlier this year to start the Brooklyn Brew Shop, which makes gallon beer-brewing kits sized for New York City apartments." You're too young to be beer-soaked winos, Brooklyn creative underclass. Give it another five years at least.

[I'm just kidding I love these recession stories, that's how I write this column! Are you kidding me? Keep up the great work! Pic via.]