The heart of Maureen Dowd's political philosophy is that Republican men are masculine and tough and Democratic men are big pussies. So what will she do now that Tom "The Hammer" DeLay is dancing on television?
His nickname was literally "The Hammer." He was a thuggish, corrupt former exterminator who ran the House of Representatives like it was an organized crime family.. He loved wars and tax cutting and gerrymandering and fucking over opponents. He is Maureen Dowd's dream man.
But there he is prancing like a pretty pony on television's Dancing With the Stars!
The Hammer, who in rehearsal admitted to feeling like "a complete goose" - and not simply because he had his golf shirt tucked into his sweat pants - is clinging to his Texas machismo even as he follows Cheryl's instruction to find his "feminine side."
"I'm being more feminine and a little prissy," he said, using a word that smacks of über-alpha "I am not gay even though I have on heels and sparkles and want a disco-ball trophy" overcompensation.
Look how torn she is! His sad protestations in defense of his threatened masculinity must be mocked, but we must admire his use of the "uber-alpha" word "prissy," which is the sort of word someone like Maureen Dowd might use to describe someone like John Edwards.
Well, let's just make fun of his stupid girly clothes one more time (also he winked at a gay!) and then finish up with some meaningless "wacky op-ed about an unexpected situation" boilerplate.
Once the Hammer tried to outfox Democrats. Now he's trying to outfox-trot Donny Osmond. Once he whipped Republicans relentlessly to keep their votes in line. Now he says he and his daughter have "a strategy to whip the vote" on "Dancing."
Once the Hammer accepted a million dollars from Russian oil executives in exchange for a vote. Now he accepts compliments from an effeminate British judge in exchange for many votes. Once he blamed the Columbine massacre on the teaching of evolution. Now he blames his poor dancing ability on the fact that he hurt his foot. Once he violated Texas law by funneling corporate money to state legislative races via the RNC. Now he is a sad old man on TV instead of in jail forever.
Maureen Dowd finished this column after furiously voting for DeLay literally thousands of times.