Old People Continue To Rule Us With Iron Fists

Let's fire up those Death Panels! (That is still funny and relevant, right?) Old people are once again responsible for our Broken Politics.

First of all, you just know that most old white people are birthers. Right? There is probably a poll somewhere, but let's just go with our gut here.

For years now, Old People, who are already naturally conservative, have been listening to Talk Radio and then Fox News, and that has made them go from "cranky mildly racist conservatives" to "radical right-wing conspiracy theorists who are terrified of literally everything."

Also: old people are the only people who vote consistently. They are bored and lonely, so if someone offers them a chance to get out of the house for a bit, they will go. You get a sticker and some brief human contact, it's great!

As we all remember, it was old Jews in Florida who kept accidentally voting for Pat Buchanan, who was most recently heard from defending Hitler, again. And that is why 9/11 happened (BUSH KNEW).

And because they are the only people who vote in midterms, old people live in a government-sponsored socialist utopia. Free health care and guaranteed lifetime pensions and "public television"! It is glorious.

The effect of a bunch of lazy welfare-queen old people being radically conservative in thought is the curious specter of Republicans suddenly fighting against any reduction in Medicare, at all. But they have found one variety of Medicare that they can actually support without compromising their precious ideals (hah): Medicare Advantage, which is a program in which the government just gives money to private insurance companies.

The Democrats have decided that it would be more "fiscally responsible" to just pay the same amount for people with Medicare Advantage as they pay in "Medicare Classic."

Well, most of the Democrats have decided this. Florida Senator Bill Nelson, though, has decided that that might scare the old people who make up almost his entire constituency. So he is fighting to protect Medicare Advantage but pretty much only for Old People in Florida.

Here is Bill Nelson explaining his tough stand:

Throughout it all, Mr. Nelson said he would remember advice he once received from Claude Pepper, a Florida congressman and champion for the elderly: "Bill, I want you to look out for our seniors. Someone has to look out for them."

Someone has to! And that "someone" turns out to be literally everyone elected to a national office because America is a hellish geriarchy.