Welcome to Melrose Place 101. On the syllabus, bad acting, random sex acts, barely logical plot points, bitchy scheming, and a pop quiz on crazy. Too bad this episode only managed to get a C-.
So the big event is that Baby Jane Andrews is back, with longer hair and a worse attitude. Now, the big question is, was Josie Bissett always a really horrible actress, but we were too young and naive to notice, or have her acting muscles atrophied to the point where she is almost an embarrassment to the franchise. And wasn't Jane the sweet yin to Sydney's evil yang? Well, not anymore, because she shows up and before she can even say hello she is blackmailing some bitches. Her first target is Ella, because Jane wants to get one of her dresses on some fictitious star. What, was Taryn Manning busy this week and they had to just start making up D list celebrities? Ella agrees because she doesn't want to be a suspect in Sydney's murder because she wrote some nasty emails. If mean emails to a former friend are enough to get the cops interested in you, then there would be a cruiser permanently parked outside my front door. Ah, dreams.
Well, Jane's dream is ruined, mostly because she's a shitty designer. Really? Who does the wardrobe on the show? Couldn't they have found something that looked a little bit more sophisticated than the Little Miss Ruffles Junior Prom Collection gown that Jane tried to pass off as couture. But, we never saw the real deal frock after the star changed out of the Designer Imposter Body Spray version in the limo. David tried to stop Jane from ratting on Ella by using some info from his magic stolen computer files to scare Jane. Something having to do with burning down her boutique and ruining all her designs to collect the insurance money. This can't possibly be true. A group of villagers with pitchforks and torches came and burnt the place down because they were scared of the fashion monstrosities that she would continue to churn out. For this, David was allowed to join the exclusive club of people who have fucked Ella. Then Ella dumped him. So, true to her word and undeterred by David's scare tactics, Jane ratted Ella out. We have a feeling that she is going to turn the pigs that come calling into bacon.
The real fun started though during the great bad acting stand off between Josie Bissett and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. It was like a "Who Wore It Better" column in Us Weekly except they were both wearing strange facial expressions and there was no clear winner. However, if we have to see them in scenes all the time the loser is going to be us—weekly. So, Violet, who is acting more and more like an autistic contestant on America's Next Top Psycho each week runs from the cops when they show up and goes to find refuge in Jane's shop, where she apparently has not paid the electric bill and is operating one light bulb hanging from the ceiling on a generator that runs on the untapped sexual heat of Amanda Woodward. It is a renewable energy source that deserves more research. So, after Violet tells Jane that she is her aunt, Jane repays her by turning her in. Cold! We love it.
But just as we were warming to Jane's tactics we were hit with a chilling realization: why couldn't they have killed Jane and had Sydney sweep in to fuck shit up? We didn't even get a flashback of our auburn savior last night, and we are still in mourning.
So Violet gets thrown in the slammer, and we don't think it's going to be her last time there. So she calls everyone and they all ignore her, everyone except for Riley who must teach kindergarten special ed, because she has a soft spot for Violet and goes to bail her out of jail. And just when she was helping Jonah—who is a wet noodle in social situations, but is one seriously hot piece of meat when lounging in the pool—make some social connections at the fancy Hollywood premiere. The countdown to their breakup is ticking and each week the sound of the clock gets more and more interminable.
David continues to be the world's more boring thief, and for some reason he decided that being a waiter for Doggie Auggie would help him. Also, he is being stalked by the Yakuza, who is as bad at being a follow as David is at being a cater waiter/thief. David beats him up in the restaurant and seriously fucks up Doggie Auggie's job. Aw, sad doggie.
Lauren was also sad, because she had to have sex for free! Don't give that milk away for free, lady! We like Lauren way more when she's being a whore than when she's being an earnest medical student. Anyway, her old john set up a date and had her waiting around the hotel bar. When his flight was delayed he canceled and she picked up a rather handsome replacement. If we lived in Melrose land, we would be a hooker, because in their version of the universe, they get paid to have sex with total fucking hotties.
Also a hottie is Kimber Henry, a former porn star and meth addict who is now working as a madam in a hotel lobby. This is like the brothel equivalent of having one of those little carts in the mall where you sell Sham-Wows or hats that are embroidered right before your very eyes. Still, Kimber is fierce and after Lauren gets the crap beat out of her by the latest stud, she decides to join her army of itinerant mall cart sex workers.
Melrose Place Crystal Ball:
- Kimber is going to introduce Lauren to Dr. Christian Troy who will take a great interest in little Miss Lauren. She will tell him what she doesn't like about herself and decide to become a plastic surgeon before getting knocked up with his baby. It will be born with a horrible birth defect that Dr. Troy and his partner Dr. Sean McNamara try to cure but can't. The child dies in surgery. Troy is so inconsolable, he moves back to Miami.
- Violent will kidnap Riley and scalp her and go back to the apartment complex wearing her new Riley wig. Jonah will be fooled by the illusion and will sleep with her, getting her pregnant. Lauren will then steal the baby to make herself feel better for losing her own child in surgery. Then that baby will die, because children are not allowed on Melrose.
- Doggie Auggie will quit his job and decide that he will be better working at a hot dog cart. While working there, he will meet Caesar Milan, who will hold some sort of strange sway over the hot dog cart owner, and he will convince him to be his very own shirtless pool boy. Finally, Doggie Auggie has found his calling.
- The cops are going to come for Ella and she will offer to give them hand jobs to escape. They are both gay and tell her that if she can arrange an intimate rendezvous with her hot gay boss, then they will forget all about her being a murder suspect. Ella tries very hard to make this happen, but her boss won't do it, because he is so hot that he only pays for sex. Ella goes to jail, where her bisexuality comes in very handy. She takes over the prison using her scheming ways, and breaks out, taking refuge in Caesar Milan's pool house.
- Ella gave David herpes.