Today's the glorious 60th anniversary of China's rebirth as a communist nation. And, as it does, the government pulled out all the predictable, synchronized stops to celebrate. Yawn. We've seen it all before. Let's take an excessively red-blooded American look.

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• Mao? Seriously? Um, he's been dead for, like, a hundred years. Okay, it's only been 33 years, but still! Why doesn't China find a new idol? What's wrong with George Washington? Or, better yet, Benjamin Franklin? He's on the one-hundred dollar bill, which will be the one-hundred dollar renminbi if China has its way.
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• Those who shop in stereotypes claim that Chinese men have small penises. That's not true, of course, but China's not doing itself any favors by using any old excuse to march out their latest missiles and rockets and other phallic toys. Yeah, you're nuclear. We get it. Stop overcompensating.
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• While we're on the subject of stereotypes: what is this, Japan? (We kid! Don't invade us!)
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• Good grief! Dragons are cool and everything, but they don't exist. They never existed. Unless you count dinosaurs, which we don't. But, despite the facts, China's always trotting out a dragon or two for any old festivity. Get a new mascot!
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• China's so gay! Only a gay country would have performers color coordinate their pom-pom hats for a military-backed party. (The colors, if seen from above, are of the gay pride flag.) If America ever did that, Uncle Sam himself would rise from the grave and show us all who's boss. Mao, we implore you: kick China's collective ass.
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• Wait, girls can't be gay, can they? Well, back to our patriotic point: China sucks. Look at those shoes. What is this, the 60s? Tsk-tsk.
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• Fuck. We hate to admit it, but this float's pretty cool. It would be better if it were red, white and blue — and democratic. Hell yeah!
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• Those damn Chinese commies! Look at this police officer man-handling a female protester at today's celebration in Tiananmen Square, where the military suppressed student protests in 1989. Oh, wait: the woman was shouting "Long live China!" Well, that's different. Happy fake political Birthday, China!

Send an email to Andrew Belonsky, the author of this post, at andrew.belonsky@gmail.com.