What Do You Mean By 'Job?'

The Way We Live Now: Jobbing differently. Gone is the stuffy old paradigm where we "get up and go to work" and "clock in at a certain time" and "act professional." In its place: all types of crazy shit.

What is a "job," really? For millions of Americans, it's something they don't have. So why worry about it? Why try to be like all the successful generations that came before you? Why not "do your own thing," for sustenance?

If you don't have the balls to live the full-on unemployed life, don't worry: you have options. It doesn't have to be like an episode of The Office, without the humorous aspects! There are many new jobular models in the new employmongering paradigm. At Best Buy's headquarters, they have a "Results Only Work Environment," where there's no set hours, as long as the work gets done. Hippies love it! "One runs meetings by teleconference from his cabin near a lake; another does much of his work electronically while following his favorite rock band around the country."

Corporate hippies make me sick. Take a lesson from the CEO of Toyota: He stood up at a press conference and groveled his ass off, like a disgraced scared lonely child with muscular dystrophy wandering in a wolf-infested haunted forest of doom. He apologized for financial losses and safety issues and layoffs and, honest to god direct quote here, told the audience, "I'm sorry I am standing on a podium, standing above you."

All these new models so far are sickening. Is there any hope for Real Men? Yes: The New York City Building Department is still infested with mobsters. They hate hippies. They don't apologize for shit. And they die in jail. That's called a "job."