Vampire-Lover Kristen Stewart and Lady Gagadong Just Want to Move On

Kristen Stewart thinks she's boring now sans social life. Oh, honey. Lady Gaga wants Kanye to respect the cock(y decision she made to leave their tour). Jon Gosselin: still a cock. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Kristen Stewart's now on the record as having said that being a Twilight star killed her social life, which has made her boring. Which is besides, you know, making the movie, and being Frumpalicious Vampire Bait. Listen, sweetcheeks: you get the sparkly vampire boyfriend, you gotta make sacrifices. Like your safety from cannibalistic 8th graders who wouldn't think once before sucking the bone marrow out of you in the middle of a Hot Topic without so much as a spork in sight were you to show up sans-protection. It's the small things us famous types miss, isn't it? When I go to Hot Topic, I just want to be left alone. Srsly. [NYDN]

  • Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis, Lady Gaga, recently canceled her tour with Kanye West due to creative differences. She aspired to sell tickets. [Page Six]

  • Jon Gosselin was going to quit Jon and Kate Plus H8 Eight for "the sake of the kids." See! Gosselin's recent cease-and-desist order for TLC to stop filming the show wasn't a ploy to get back at Kate for getting him kicked off the show, or for him to get more money: it was for the kids. Sure, assface. Many of us would've naively believed that back in May, but this half-way crook (and his wife!) knew his marriage was dunzo when they were resealing their vows in front of their kids on TV. Gosselin went on TV to defend his tabloid-worthy asshattery for the last few months, as well as to apparently make some kind of reconciliation with Kate, as he wants the divorce proceedings to stop. Honestly though, if the kids are off TV, great. But they're still going to grow up to hate their dad for his four months of completely being a cockface. Also, of all the things he regrets, no mention of Ed Hardy? Psh. Y'ain't sorry till you're sorry, holmes. [NYDN]

  • Rev. Al Sharpton guest-hosted WWE Raw on Monday night, earning WWE their lowest ratings since last November. The crowd booed Sharpton as well, but then again, anybody who doesn't jump into a figure-four leg lock from the ropes while breaking a chair over their face gets booed by those people. Also, Rev. Al Sharpton: if you've got the scratch, you can apparently get him for your kid's bar mitzvah. And wouldn't that please Aunt Roz. [Page Six]

  • After Katie Couric's husband died of colon cancer, she had a colonoscopy on-air to raise awareness. She was recently at a broadcasters' to-do, and make a joke about sticking a light up her ass. It was good. Among Katie Couric's more notable accomplishments will be making a colonoscopy not just something we need not fear, but something charming, as well. Her former Today show co-host Matt Lauer could not make a colonoscopy look charming. Watching fourth-hour Today show alcoholics Kathy Lee and Hoda is like getting a colonoscopy, except it's like someone's sticking a blacklight in the asshole of your brain. [Page Six]

  • Hey! Brett Ratner! Kind of a dickbag making dickbag movies, but lo and behold, he can occasionally impart some wisdom on the masses when not imparting terrible, shitty, expensive movies on them: he recently got on Blog Talk Radio (what?!) to discuss whatever Brett Ratner would discuss on Blog Talk Radio, and ended up talking about America's most popular child rapist, Roman Polanski. He called the LA judicial system "corrupt," and then apologized for it later, specifying his intent to speak solely on the merit of the judge in Polanski's case. Ratner should've said "incompetent," but that would've hit too close to home? [Page Six]

  • Joey Ramone apparently needed to be sedated. Recent revelation: he had schizophrenia. He got booked at St. Vincent's once for being crazy. [Page Six]

  • Dolce from Dolce & Gabbana just closed on two penthouses at 200 11th Avenue for $29M, the most expensive real estate closing this year. Meanwhile, I paid my rent on time this month. [Page Six]

  • The Erin Andrews peephole perv has been arrested. [NYDN]

  • This guy who stole Kristen Dunst's $2,000 purse and Simon Pegg's iPod (on the set of the How To Lose Friends and Alienate People adaptation) was aquitted of all the major charges because he was a moron. A breakthrough for morons, or something. [NYDN]

  • Lindsay Lohan posed on a stripper pole to promote her line of leggings. She could've posed above an industrial paper shredder and it would've made more sense. Also: those leggings are fugly. Not that I'm a connoisseur or anything, but you know: truly. I was recently discussing this with a colleague: leggings-as-pants are the best trend to happen to straight men (and gay women!) since the whole sweatshirt-off-the-shoulder Flashdance-era thing. Lindsay Lohan: are you seriously going to be the one to fuck this up for me? God. Damn. You are truly worthless. [NYDN]

Finally, in honor of our favorite aforementioned schizo punk, Weekend Readers: I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend.