Maybe Jewish Iranian President Ahmadinejad Now Has Power To Nuke His Guilty Past

Two fun facts on stylish Jersey-Shore-via-Tehran Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 1. He might be Jewish. 2. Iran is now definitely capable of producing a working nuclear bomb that could basically wipe his maybe-Yid Israeli relatives out of existence. Fun!

As for that first bit of news, we've uncovered an exclusive, an uncomfortable truth about Ahmadinejad yet to be revealed but here, for the first time, right now: he faked his way through his haftorah portion. Kidding! But no, really, he might be a Jew. Commence self-loathing, mother-hating, guilt-ridden jokes in three, two, and...

A close-up of the Ahmadinejad's ID reveals that the Iranian leader, who has described the Nazi Holocaust of European Jewry as a "myth," was previously known as Sabourjian – a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver. The Telegraph said the short note scrawled on the card suggests that his family changed its name to Ahmadinejad when they converted to embrace Islam after his birth. The Sabourjians, according to the report, traditionally hail from Aradan, Ahmadinejad's birthplace, and the name derives from "weaver of the Sabour", the name for the Jewish Tallit shawl in Persia.

Fuckin' Jews, indeed! This isn't the first time this accusation has come up, either. The name "Sabourjian" is on a list of reserved names for Iranian Jews by Iran's government. And yes, "experts" are saying that his attacks on Jews—which include wanting to blow Israel into the next dimension, as well as vehement Holocaust denial—could be over-compensating. Two more important questions then arise: what kind of car does he drive, and how big is his dick? THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE. So now that Ahmadinejad has his own birthers—ironically, The Jews—he's gotta come up with something to distract the public from figuring out why he's so goddamn good with money. Adonai-damnit, he's got nuclear capabilities. Go figure.

The New York Times reported today that senior staff members at the UN have, after vetting a report by the official (and official sounding) International Atomic Energy Agency, figured out that Iran is well on their way to making us all green...with radiation.

In recent interviews, a senior European official familiar with the contents of the full report described it to The New York Times. He confirmed that Mr. Albright's excerpts were authentic. The excerpts were drawn from a 67-page version of the report written earlier this year and since revised and lengthened, the official said; its main conclusions remain unchanged. "This is a running summary of where we are," the official said. "But there is some loose language," he added, and it was "not ready for publication as an official document." Most dramatically, the report says the agency "assesses that Iran has sufficient information to be able to design and produce a workable implosion nuclear device" based on highly enriched uranium.

Also interesting: Iran picked up this information via the Black market (where else?) and then proceeded to pick away at the specific pieces of information that were pertinent to their cause. But who planted it on the Black market? Who else? The Russians. In Soviet Russia, market black you:

...Many intelligence agencies assume that Iran obtained a bomb design from A. Q. Khan, the rogue Pakistani black marketer who sold it machines to enrich uranium. That information may have been supplemented by a Russian nuclear weapons scientist who visited Iran often, investigators say.

Do we have a ball game? We have a ball game. Also, is everyone in Russia a leaky weapons scientist? It's like everyone there down to the guy who keeps the pay phones working knows something about nuclear technology that can kill us all. It's apparently in their seventh grade curriculum, somewhere between The Outsiders and dividing fractions. The donkey show in Moscow—where donkey show you— is expensive and we're all gonna die, so the pay phone fixing nuclear scientist hooks up Iran and King Khan the Black Market Badass, and the self-loathing Jew pays to invest in wiping his guilt-shilling relatives out of existence. Also, gefilte fish. That, too. It always figured that the Jewish state's biggest menace would be a guilt-ridden one of their own (Bernie Madoff, here's looking at you). Really, though. Who needs a nuke when your country's revolting every six days? A guy with a small penis, that's who.