In the wake of David Letterman's staff scoring stiffy, we decided to look back at some of our favorite media ass-magnets. These are extraordinary examples of why straight guys get in this business in the first place: the crazy poon, bro.
Peter Jennings.: The youngest broadcast anchor on his level, for that time. The guy was 25 when he first got the anchor chair. 25! And he was a good lookin' kid! Jennings had four wives, each one as hot as the last (Kayce Freed was the last one, and dayum, son). Incredibly, he only managed to have two kids. Again, four wives, two kids, one of the most respected anchors of all time. How much ass do you think the guy got? Then again, he was a busy man. And also, he died four years ago, so...that's a strike against him. Pussyhound Rating: C-. Just because you're a serial monogamist doesn't mean you're a pussyhound. On the contrary, I'd think, unless you're in the business of dating Mormons.
Okay, so Charlie Rose might not seem like the biggest media pussyhound out there, but his longtime on-and-off girlfriend, socialite/city-planner Amanda Burden, is pretty hot for someone my mom's age. Also, well, he's just well known as one. Via CityFile:
Rose has long had a rep as a lady's man; a close friend of his once called him a "straight up horndog." Past conquests included Wall Street Journal publisher Karen Elliott House, media entrepreneur/art collector Louise MacBain, and media exec Marybel Batjer. For the past dozen or so years he's had an on-again, off-again relationship with socialite and city planning czaress Amanda Burden.
The aforementioned mom-aged hottie is also the stepdaughter of a co-founder of CBS. True story. And the guy's more or less been a bachelor for however many years since he got divorced from Morgan Stanley CEO John Mack's sister-in-law back in 1980. He never had kids and regrets it. But Rose still hits the town, though the ass he hits in it is up for contention these days.
Pussyhound Rating: B-. He could get around more if he tried. Or he should at least let us hear about it. Too much time at the table with Tom Friedman will fuck up your mojo, Chuck.
Dave Zinczenko, Dave Zinczenko, Dave Zinczenko. Where to begin? Let's see. Just look at him. The 39 year-old Men's Health editor-in-chief got AWESOME TIGHT ABS IN JUST TWO WEEKS, and knows SEX TIPS THAT'LL DRIVE HER UP THE WALL, so, that helps. He's generally known around town as a charmer and a nice guy. Nobody's ever called Dave Zinczenko a big dick. They have, however, spoken about his big dick. Yes: I've heard this rumor twice, from two completely unrelated people who don't know each other about Dave Z. The best quote I got on it:
Seriously, it's like a liter bottle of Canada Dry seltzer.
Women love him. He dated Rose McGowan, Mandy Moore, and yes: one Julia Allison. He rolls around town with his supposedly (or maybe not!..) big dicked friend, shady Mediaite/Abrams Research owner and conflict-of-interest perpetrator (penetrator?) Dan Abrams. When he tells you to Eat This, Not That, you know goddamn well what he's talking about: vagina. The stone cold healthy pimp holds court at The Waverly Inn all the time; maybe he's there now because Keith McNally booted him for fingerbanging fameballs under two-tops during dinner service.
Pussyhound Grade: A+ And yeah, we know, you're probably still dating a South African model (Melissa Milne) and can't be bothered to cooze on hoes with Donger Dan. But that still doesn't stop you from making the grade. If there's a reason to get into media, still, a career like yours is it.
Dan Abrams. O Danny Boy: the former MSNBC anchor, the lawyer son of famous Manhattan legal eagle Floyd Abrams, the aforementioned owner of Mediaite/Abrams Research, and most importantly, Dave Z's wingman. He's like a Yid version of Anderson Cooper, but straight, scruffy, and stormy. The guy survived testicular cancer (true), so he's one tough mediabro. Women like this. He pals around town with his homeboy Dave, and has no reluctance in monopolizing on hiring the high-profile vagina-obsessed women of New York's media. Dan was engaged to Law & Order actress Elisabeth Rohm and dated Renee Zellweger for a bit. He's now single and lives in a West Village bachelor pad where he takes home his conquests picked up on nights out with the Big Swinging D. Ah, but: the same rumor I heard about Dave's dong was the one I first heard about Dan's dong: that it's huge. But the counter that the big dick belongs to Dave and not Dan is somewhat credible because Dan's Jewish. And, well, yeah. Watch that video above.
Pussyhound Grade: B- Loosen up, Dan! You've got a burgeoning media website and consulting firm, you've got an awesome pussy magnet wingman, you've got a badass bachelor pad, and your Mediaite Power Ranking puts you two spots ahead of Geraldine Anne Ferraro. Why so serious? Whatever you do, don't shave the scruff. Chicks dig it, it makes you look a little more laid back than your tight-assed network appearances do. Do the Dave: Zen, Dan. Zen.
Bill O'Reilly! The pervy perv got sued for an especially pervy sexual harassment lawsuit he had to settle. The lawsuit had some great bits, including one about how he wants to take you on a Caribbean vacation and rub this falafel thing on you (?!), and how he'll tell you about the things a Thai hooker showed him that "blew his mind," or maybe the time he lost his virginity at JFK to two Scandinavian stewardesses. Or! He'll tell you to buy yourself a vibrator and jack off while he does it. Fuck it, you know? He'll do it live.
Pussyhound Rating: B+ O'Reilly's the Real McCoy, but works too hard to quiet his dalliances, who all seem to push back a little. Lawsuits and the like set him back from a high A to a high B, because if there's one thing that'll quickly stop you from getting some ladyparts, it's a labor law violation and punitive damages. Heh. Pun-itive.
Chris Berman, right? As far as sports broadcasters go, Boomer's the be-all-end-all pussyhound. Maybe you know the story that spawned a million. This is legendary:
A friend of mine just told me he's getting married. When he gave me the news I immediately thought of the time we were in Scottsdale at spring training, because it's the best pickup story I've ever been a party to. It was about nine years ago, and I actually forget the bar. But my friend was seriously putting the moves on this somewhat attractive young woman, who was wearing leather pants and had a leather jacket draped over her lap. They had been chatting at the bar for about an hour, and my friend thought he was in the house. I had never seen someone work so hard for a score.
But just as he was putting on the finishing touches, Chris Berman walks by. And without even breaking stride, Berman looks at the girl, points and says "You're with me, leather." And the girl looks up, instantly recognizes Berman, snatches up her jacket and walks out with him, leaving my friend in mid-sentence.
Nothing's been the same since.
Pussyhound Rating: A. He's got it down to a science, to the point where he's even made immortal catchphrases out of being a professional pussyhound. Berman makes other pussyhounds look like...amateurs.
Tragically, the NFL took down the clip of Cris Collinsworth—possibly ironically—talking about the tail he loved to pull back in the day. The former NFL threepeat Pro Bowl-er and John Madden's replacement as one of NBC's Sunday Night Football commentators, now a family man, apologized profusely after the clip leaked. That still won't stop me from quoting him:
I'm not gonna deny it, I walk around with hundred dollar bills hanging out of my pocket...I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit...high school girls love me. Fourteen to eighteen, I'm a big star with them. As soon as they mature, after they turn 18 years old, they start to figure it out.
Pussyhound Grade: Honorary Mention. He apologized. And whether it was satire or sincere, it was brilliant. But come on: like he wasn't one, you know?
Oh, Vanity Fair columnist and Newser newsbro Michael Wolff. We couldn't help but use your porn-stachstic author's pic from White Kids because it's so smug and kinda I-Just-Got-My-Balls-Sucked, it just fits, you know? Where to begin with you? You've got it all going on, man! A startup website that's seen plenty of cash come in (as for cash coming out, well...). Your marriage to Alison Anthoine dissolved after you were found out to be hooking up with Vanity Fair intern Victoria Floethe. Nice. Gives me hope for going bald, you know? You're still writing things and giving people media crits and you always seem to get back on your feet, more so than most, despite lacking media cred. Your website now plays lame SEO games to pick up traffic under the guise of aggregating important political discussion, when really, you're just talking about your dick. It's just sensationalized bullshit, but then again, I wouldn't really know, because I can never get past the headlines. Maybe that's the point, though: as long as you get the clicks, you're good. And those Steven Tyler-esque lips must be good for something.
Pussyhound Grade: C- That intern is hot, but (A) she's the only one we know about and (B) you got caught, dumbass.