The Way We Live Now: Drunk, hungry, and resentful. Governments want liquor companies—but why not Jewish delis? Baseball teams pay lots of money to good baseball players, sure—why not to me? Is that fair? And where's my sandwich?
The New York Yankees are spending nearly a quarter of a billion dollars on their pitching staff. Let's all say it together, populists: "It is so crazy that people get paid this much money just for playing a ball game. Let's give that money instead to the fabulously wealthy team owners, rather than the players. Only when the issue is swept under the rug like this will we nonsensical populists will be mollified."
And while CC Sabathia is making big money and being fat, is he supporting Jewish delis? Obviously not. Because plenty of Jewish delis have gone out of business lately, especially in Newark, which is not too far for CC Sabathia to travel for a sandwich. Whose fault is this really: The recession, or rich baseball players?
Speaking of conspiracies: The US Virgin Islands are giving a rum company $1 billion in incentives over 30 years to come make their rum in the Virgin Islands. And all the businessmen are happy and the fat cats are happy and the many people who work in the rum manufacturing industry are happy, but you know who gets hurt? The alcoholics who work in the rum manufacturing industry in the US Virgin Islands. Because of the easy availability of rum, at work. Who is thinking of them?
Also the teetotalers. Their tax dollars are wasted.
And while Jewish deli founders mourn the collapse of their corned beef sales and lushes on the midnight shift at the rum plant take nips of their own destruction, Andy Pettite and CC Sabathia retire to their luxurious Manhattan condos, eating decidedly non-Jewish food and drinking non-Alcoholic beverages and counting their evil money. Money which, if they fucking win another title for once, will be well worth it.