Swine Flu Officially a Tool of SatanS

The deadly Mexican Pig Flu's dirtiest deed yet: Coming between you and the literal body and blood of Christ. You will pay dearly for this, heathen microbe.

The WSJ says that terrified religious types across the nation have given in to fear of the Satanic disease and are dispensing with the use of common communion cups. That's just what the pig flu wants you to do, people!

At a United Church of Christ congregation in the suburbs of Chicago, Communion servers now slice up bread into bite-sized bits before distributing Communion; they no longer offer congregants a loaf from which to tear a hunk of bread. In the interest of keeping fingers away from communion wine, communicants at All Saints' Chapel in Sewanee, Tenn., are now instructed not to dip their Eucharistic bread into the cup but rather to sip the cup directly, since hands are often more infectious than mouths.

Christ himself further suggests that "Maybe you guys can just gaze upon me from afar" until flu season is over.
[Pic via]