We're not dog people (which is why it's really not necessary to send us big baskets of pet swag). Gawker operative Stephen Kosloff, however, doesn't mind the poochy set. He brings us his stories from last night's ASPCA fundraiser.

More of Mr. Kosloff's photographic sociological experiments can be found here.

First One to Make a Party Animal Pun Gets Shot

I showed up at the Young Friends of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals fundraiser last night. It was held at Barry Diller's IAC building, which I guess is made of high technology materials like glass.

As you can see from this potatograph, the ASPCA made sure there were plenty of Komodo dragons on-hand to entertain the guests and — wait a minute, let me go back to my notes here for a sec ... yep, sorry, dogs, not Komodo dragons.

Shortly after this photo was taken the woman graciously licked all of the cocaine remnants out of the dog's nose (yaaaaaaay).

First One to Make a Party Animal Pun Gets Shot

If you looked at this photo and bet $10,000 that these guys are a rock band, you just won yourself $10,000, which according to XE.com is currently worth 262,344,571.73 Vietnamese dong.

Voila le Your Vegas. What these guys do is rock, professionally. They're a band, and they're from the UK. Bunch of ssssssssexy sssssssssizllers, n'est pas? I would totally date all four of them if I were a woman, but I'd be very open and communicative and wouldn't hide anything except for my PIN number because you're not supposed to share that with anyone, not even your god damn mom.

First One to Make a Party Animal Pun Gets Shot

Bai Ling rolled into the event like a typhoon with her boyfriend (left). I tried to ask him a few questions but someone tapped me on the shoulder and was like "He's mute." The scuttlebutt at the party last night anyway was that his career is about to 'splode.

A co-worker informs me that Bai Ling wins lots of "worst dressed" awards, but, guys, come on, how many of you kinda wish you were the panda boyfriend? Maybe just for one night? She could feed you panda snacks. And if you were her lactating girlfriend you could pull an Annie Leibovitz and bathe the crap out of her with panda milk.

First One to Make a Party Animal Pun Gets Shot

I know someone who knows this guy, on the left, but that doesn't amount to a hill of panda poop when one considers that he is wearing about the best shoes I've seen in my life. I lost myself in them (not literally). Looking at the shoes made me feel like a Mexican flower woman, moving from bistro to bistro peddling her wares, but in my case without the dignity or the command of Spanish.

We had a very perfectly wonderful conversation, then I took a "time-out" to defrag my mother-board.

First One to Make a Party Animal Pun Gets Shot

Yes, they are fashion models. They were about 6'2" and were also wearing big heels. I was standing behind them when this guy walked up to them, wide-eyed, although his nostrils weren't flaring, and he said, "I'm so intimidated by you guys," referring to their height, thereby not only coming off like a little [redacted], but also making it awkward for the models.

Attempting to clean up the mess, I tapped the one on the left and said, "I actually wish you were a little taller," and got a laugh out of her, and the laugh sounded something like this: "Hee hee heeeeee." Then I told her that if I were to photograph her for a magazine I'd have her dress up like a Swiss border guard, with the snappy hats and the bandoliers.

First One to Make a Party Animal Pun Gets Shot

His name is Jamie and he works for New York magazine, and he got an email about three hours ago informing him that he might be on Gawker, but I don't think he's checked it yet, so, if you or someone you know is reading this, and you are socially or professionally down with Jamie, can you please tell him he's on Gawker? Thank you. Also, you can tell him that if I were a panda I would totally date him. But I'd have to be a gay panda because I'm one thousand percent not down with lactating.

First One to Make a Party Animal Pun Gets Shot

Elijah Duckworth-Schachter (right) is a blue-blood, and by the time I spoke to him I was about 3/4's of the way through my 8th house drink (it was purple) so I don't remember much. If memory serves Elijah spoke of the guy who cuts his hair, see? Said he makes so much frickin' cash doing it that he only works one day a month or something along those lines, see? If you're wondering why I took the picture, I just liked their ties, OK tough guys?

First One to Make a Party Animal Pun Gets Shot

This woman was delightful and had a smile that wasn't winning, it was game-changing.

Literally.

I got kind of tired of lugging my camera and flash around with me — back and forth and back and fucking forth — to outermost reaches of the IAC building including the toilet area, so I sat down and was relaxing with a nice game of self-pinochle, when this unnamed (or some might say nameless) woman breezed past me, like some kind of porpoise or something, and smiled. I returned the smile, and when I looked down, my game of self-pinochle had turned into Chutes 'N Ladders. Some smile!!