Oct 9, 2009 06:10 PM
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New York, 5:32 PM
Tue Feb 9
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Even though he didn't deserve it, it's still awesome that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, right? No, it's not. It used to be, but now that Barack Obama has done it, it's un-American.
It's been getting kind of confusing keeping track of what's truly American anymore, so we came up with a handy list of things that are socialist and foreign because Barack Obama has soiled them, by doing them.
Winning the Nobel Peace Prize
Used to be a win for America back when Henry Kissinger won it. Now it's a sign of a "weakened, neutered U.S.," unless John McCain had won it, which he should have, in which case it would have been awesome.
Puppies
Bo is a ringer, a fake rescue dog who was personally raised by Ted Kennedy for the Obamas and the press won't look into it because they're too busy writing about how cute he is. And he's Portuguese!
Classrooms
That's where kids get indoctrinated. Keep them away.
Community Organizing
What sort of person helps other people?
Doctors
They're all socialists now, since some of them met with Obama at the White House, and people took photos.
Farming
Michelle Obama started a vegetable garden on the White House lawn, but it's fake and how dare she?
Chicago, Ill.
Obama lived there, so it can't be in America, and therefore it's not un-American to celebrate the fact that it lost its Olympic bid, since it's Chicago that lost, not America. Fuck you, Chicago.
Hawaii
He lived there, too, which is why 6% of Americans now consider it part of un-America.
Beer
He had one with that awesome cop and some black Harvard guy, ruining it for the rest of us.
Smoking
He never quit, and so is a liar, and probably smokes Gauloises.
Checking Out Asses
Would a real American ever glance at a lady's ass, like Obama did? In Italy!? No, he would never do that.
Loving Your Wife
Obama took Michelle on a date to New York City in May to see a play, prompting the RNC to ask, "If President Obama wants to go to the theater, isn't the Presidential box at the Kennedy Center good enough?" We're still waiting for an answer, Mr. President.
Basketball
He replaced the White House bowling alley—which can be used to play a white-people game—with a basketball court. Didn't O.J. Simpson or someone play basketball? And he goes to games, instead of fixing America, constantly.
Baseball
He throws like a girl. A European girl.
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