Don't Try to Tell Us Vampires Are the New Gays

The theory that teen girls are suddenly all about vampires because they want to have sex with gay men is interesting. Also, total crap.

On Esquire.com today, Stephen Marche tries to explain the surge in vampire frenzy (see the Twilight books and movies, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, and more) by saying it is fueled by girls' desires to bed down with their gay brothers.

Edward, the romantic hero of the Twilight series, is a sweet, screwed-up high school kid, and at the beginning of his relationship with Bella, she is attracted to him because he is strange, beautiful, and seemingly repulsed by her. This exact scenario happened several times in my high school between straight girls and gay guys who either hadn't figured out they were gay or were still in the closet. Twilight's fantasy is that the gorgeous gay guy can be your boyfriend, and for the slightly awkward teenage girls who consume the books and movies, that's the clincher.

It seems like Marche's argument has to do more with the awkward high school experience he remembers and less about how teenagers actually think today.

Many high school gay boys may still be the conflicted sexual messes of Marche's bad old awkward years. But kids are coming out younger and younger they are secure in their sexuality and not afraid to talk about it in high school. Teen girls are sad they won't go out with them, because their ideal boyfriend is one that will go shopping and watch Project Runway with them and not pressure them into sex. And because of social tolerance for homosexuality in high school hallways, this is becoming more of a reality.

Marche's essay does have one thing right, but the vampires in movies like Twilight and The Vampire Diaries and gay men are both desexualized in popular culture, but for different reasons. The young vampires are asexual because girls want someone who they can be in love with, but that won't pressure them into sex—someone who is almost attainable but won't threaten to drive a stake through their precious hymens. Gay men are robbed of anything erotic because the public as a whole still thinks that man-on-man action is "yucky." The 'mos are OK, as long as they're making bitchy quips about bad outfits, but as soon as they want to make out, they have to go back to their ghetto to misbehave.

Gay men are still considered monsters by many in society, but that certainly isn't the case for teen girls. They have been raised on a Queer Eye culture that certainly makes teen girls desire gay men, but not as playmates in bicurious spin the bottle. They want an "accessory gay"—just like every Real Housewife—the kind that populate countless television make over shows. Even America's Next Top Model co-host Miss J Alexander won a Teen Choice Award in the "Fabulous" category. Your petite princess' pocket gay will tell her how fiiiiieeeerrrce she looks, let her bitch about boys, give her makeup tips, and never threaten her as the star of the show.