Who hasn't invited a crazy lady home, hired her as a publicist, or worked for her as a high priced hooker? Everyone! We've seen how these things end, and it's with Amanda Woodward saving us all from boredom.
We have looked into our Melrose Place Crystal Ball (patent pending) and, based on last night's activity, we have seen the future of all the character's lives.
- After her national campaign for Real People Jeans, Dog-named Riley becomes a world famous model. Well, not a real world famous model, because she's too short, but television's version of a world-famous model where she makes tons and tons of money and doesn't do very much. She leaves Jonah behind for a world-famous fashion photographer named Benson Benson. Then, one day, he is shooting her for a perfume ad in a giant mansion and the shoot is being catered by Doggie Auggie, who started a catering company just for this one single shoot. In a coke-feuled fit, Benson Benson lashes out and slaps Riley in the face because she refuses to pose topless. She runs down in the kitchen, crying, mascara streaming down her face, when Doggie Auggie finds her. He rushes up stairs, grunts a few simple grunts and socks Benson Benson. He shouts, "No one hits Benson Benson and gets away with it!" and Doggie Auggie goes downstairs and whisks up Riley and takes her home and does her doggy style. That is the end of her modeling career and she goes back to teaching first grade.
- Lauren's pimp, Kimber, starts get even more demanding and crazy. She sends Lauren out on a "date" with a very, very sexy lady, Evelyn, but Lauren is all, "I've never done it with a lady before" and Evelyn says, "I know, that's why I asked for you." And they kiss and the seven hundred straight men flipping by the CW when it happens drop their remotes and tune in to the entire episode, and Melrose gets its first straight fans ever. Very rich Evelyn promises that she will pay for med school if Lauren quits being a hooker and is her girlfriend. She agrees, but then Kimber comes after them with a switchblade. We would tell you what happens, but we don't want to ruin the season one cliffhanger.
- Violent continues to harass Michael because she thinks that he is the reason why her "mother" Sydney is dead. She uses the tape of the two of them together to get him to buy her all sorts of things and take her out and treat her nice. Somewhere between half-price taco night at Chili's and a ride on the Santa Monica ferris wheel, Michael realizes that he's only happy with a partner as crazy as he is and develops a sort of Stockholm syndrome where he falls in love with Violent. When she sees Doggie Auggie doing it with Riley, she realizes that she never loved him in a first place and that she's fallen in love with Michael. They are on their way to their shotgun wedding and as Violent goes to leave, crazy aunt Jane leaps out of the closet and jumps on her back. Everyone forgot the landlord was there, but she is so jealous that another red head has won Michael's heart that she strangles Violent with one of her couture gowns. She dies.
- Ella will do something other than throw shade and make bitchy quips. Her future is still uncertain.
- A beautiful blond stranger's high heels will go clickety-clack, clickety clack through the courtyard, but we will only see a backlit shadow as it approaches the camera. She is wearing a stunning, form-fitting turquoise minidress as she makes a lap around the pool, whimsically running her finger along the banister. We never see her face, as the camera closes up right behind her right shoulder. David rushes down the stairs to ask who this beautiful stranger is and she grabs him by both arms and pulls him in for a passionate kiss. He kisses her back, placing his arm around her waist. She moves down to his neck as his head falls back in ecstasy. Suddenly, he tenses up, we see him start to go pale, as she sucks the life force right out of him through his neck. He spasms suddenly a few times, and then she tosses his lifeless body to the side, wiping the gore from her face with her forearm but never mussing her lipstick. And she has returned: Vampire Amanda!