I woke up at about one today because Kristin was banging on my door with three cameras and two ladies in tight jeans with clipboards. They all wanted me to go shopping at The Hustler store. It must be really hard for Kristin to be so famous in Canada that people are following her around all the time. I wouldn't want to have all those cameras on me.
Anyway, we go to the store and we play with some sex toys, but we're really looking for a present for Kristin's ex boyfriend Brody. I totally tried to sleep with Brody once, when Kristin was back in Canada getting famous. I kept giving him free shots of Patron hoping that he would tell me how pretty I was, and then when he was really wasted we kind of made out a little bit, but it was all fun. Then he told me that he can't date a girl with a job, because he has needs. Then he met this girl named Jayde. I don't know how I know that her name is spelled with a Y in the middle, but she just seems like she would, you know.
Because it's during the day, I get invited to Brody's birthday party. It's very exciting and there are lots of girls in bikinis jumping on trampolines. It's just like the bar where I work. And then all these girls like Stephanie and Lo are there and they are asking me to get them drinks. Can't they tell the difference between when I'm at work and when I'm not? God, I only wear a bikini at work and a one piece when I'm out with my friends. It's not that hard to tell the difference.
Everyone keeps asking Kristin where "her man" is, and by that I think they mean Justin Twonames, because it would be kind of weird to take her dad to a birthday party. Even though Justin Twonames isn't showing up, Kristin is telling everyone she's dating him. I tried to date Justin Twonames once, and he came over and surfed while I lounged on the beach and watched him. And then he came up and shot water all over me from a hose and I jumped up in down in my bikini, even though I wasn't working. But then I realized he had a huge tattoo that said "Italia" across his chest and I was like, awesome, and then I told him that I wanted to get tattoos of stars on my toes, and he thought that was stupid. Wait. That didn't happen to me, it happened to Kristin. But she told me about it.
After the birthday party, I totally called the bar and told them I wasn't coming in because Kristin was having an afterparty for Brody at her house. At first, no one was there, and Kristin and I were hanging out and I was telling her all about the exact science behind mixing drinks. I told her that I was thinking of creating, like, a school where we could train bar scientists, but I call them mixologists, because that sounds way more official. Well, Brody showed up and said that he got in a big fight with Jayde about whether or not to go to the party. Luckily we didn't have to hear that much about the fight, because it sounds boring. I just want to do more shots. Hey, Diary, do you want a shot? Cheers!
The next morning, I woke up on the couch in my bikini, which probably means that all the boys got me drunk and convinced me to make drinks for them. Gosh, why is it that all they think I'm going for is making cocktails? Well, I do make a mean cocktail, so I poured out the liquid from all of the half-full containers into a cocktail glass and used some science and it became a Cosmo. See, if your glass is half-full you can make it full-full and drink before noon. Being a "Mixologist" is great!
But sometimes I get jealous of those girls that don't have to work. It must be nice to be Heidi and stay home all day and think about new ways to pester Spencer into having babies. You know, that is really going to work. I almost convinced Spencer to father my baby once. I was all "I'm going to keep inviting the neighbor kid over until you knock me up" and he was like "Ok, but I'm totally going to torture him." That's totally cool, cause I'll do all the parenting. But the pregnant part I can't do alone. We both have to pee on that stick or it won't have two blue lines which means that I'm gonna have his baby. Then Spencer took me out to dinner and he was wearing this stupid cowboy hat and I was like "Sorry, I don't want my baby to be born with hat head," so I dumped him and got a job working at the very bar where we were talking. And I've been a working girl ever since.
No one wants to hang out with Audrina these days, and they're saying that they have to because of some TV show, and I keep telling them that it's not a TV show, it's the paparazzis because Kristin is so famous in Canada. And then they're all, "Can I have a vodka soda?" and I'm all, "Hello, one piece! Make it yourself!" Anyway, Kristin told me I have to hate Audrina because went to the Tool concert and ran into this guy Derrick. Then they went out on a date. Talk about a tool concert. LOL. I'm so funny. Ok, Diary. Time to put on my bikini and go to work.