Poverty Is Russian RouletteS

The Way We Live Now: There's a high probability that it's not "in poverty!" Five-sixths of us are not officially languishing in the fetid cesspool of government-defined economic despair. There's always that one out of six, yes. That happens occasionally.

Statistically, when playing Russian Roulette you can place the six-shooter to your temple and pull the trigger twice before there's an actual mathematical likelihood of blowing your brains out. Likewise, with a mere one-sixth of our citizens officially living below the poverty line, two babies can be born in America before one of them has a good chance of being born into soul-crushing, life-destroying pennilessness.

Envy that, Bangladesh!

We're not the types who always parade around in stilts wearing an Uncle Sam costume with American flag briefs and reading the Bill of Rights into a megaphone at the top of our lungs in supermarket parking lots, but we must point out that we have some things to be proud of, here. Not only are we 84% penury-free; the majority of us even have jobs! Most of our wealthiest financiers are financially generous with at least one political party. Our stock market is still several points into five-digit territory. And we have far more honest priests than thieving priests—just like New York businesspersons not involved in the operation of a Ponzi scheme greatly outnumber those who are currently operating a Ponzi scheme.

So take comfort in the warm, soothing embrace of statistical probability, America. You're going to get through this recession alive. More likely than not.
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