Jon and Kate Gosselin are basically the worst people in the history of TV. Pennsylvania pride! Scott Weiland's wife: a crazy-awesome smack addict. Kanyeezy's community serveezy. J-Lo's Lola gives me facehurt. Weirdos! Celebrities! Whatever! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Professional cockface Jon Gosselin is going to return the money he stole from his and his wife's joint bank account, and God only knows what she's going to spend it on. I mean, that hair, right?! At least do something about that. Something. Meanwhile, the Freduain damage of how much the kids h8 him racks up by the minute. Read this heartbreaker and then decide how much you hate this man and his ex-wench to be. [NYDN]

• Scott Weiland of the Stone Temple Pilots was probably a more famous heroin addict than he was a rock star, which is when you know you have a respectably-sized habit: that it outshines the legacy of things you're actually paid to do. There's got to be some kind of mathematical equation for this. I think it goes something like: the more money you make, the lower the percentage of your income you need to spend on heroin to have it become a significant part of your legacy. It probably looks like one of those college acceptance charts, you know? The y-axis is for SAT scores and the x-axis is for GPA, and if you're in the green section, you're a "legendary" smack addict, and if you're in the red section, you're just a pedestrian smack addict or you're not doing enough to create some kind of myth about you. Anyway: Scott Weiland did a fuckton of smack, and his wife's writing a book about it, and the best clip Page Six (who's leading with this item?!) runs from it is:

"The bonfire was huge and very pretty. Everything went up in smoke quickly, except the shoe leather; the Guccis took the longest," she writes. "The news reports said I'd torched \$10,000 worth of Scott's clothes, which was wrong by a factor of eight. He was somewhat insulted at their estimate: 'Eighty thousand dollars, Mary,' he said later."

Right? Because if my lady torched my Gucci kicks because she was a bipolar smack addict, I'd at least want to make sure she got the cost of the thing right. [Page Six]

• Kanyeezy's gonna get 50 hours of community service for slamming a photographer in the face. He will still do anything for a blonde dyke, a compulsion I have yet to understand. She just won't be that into you, man. [NYDN]

• I don't mean to creep up on Brian's beat, but, you know, here: Levi Johnston doesn't know whether or not he's going to fully exhibit his cock in Playgirl. This brings the word "cocktease" to new levels, none of which I'd ever planned on ascending nor am I pleased to have done so. Thank you, job. [NYDN]

• Lamar Odom has yet to introduce his Vampire Bride Khloe Kardashian to his kids. Maybe that's because she's a moron, and he doesn't want them to get infected by whatever his brain has been diseased with since dating her. [NYDN]

• Jeremy Piven made a lot of money for charity by selling a walk-on role in Entourage. Apparently, someone just paid \$20,000 or whatever to get a stapler thrown at their head and hey, I'd watch that. Anyway: Charlize Theron was pissed because she know's what a cockwaffle Piven is and she told the people at said charity event that she'd make out with another woman for twenty seconds if they bid on it and won, and some woman did, and she made out with her for twenty seconds, to the tune of \$140,000. But really, let's assume a man paid for this, because women aren't stupid enough to pay \$140,000 to make out with Charlize Theron for 20 seconds when they know they could probably get it for free. This is just further evidence that the age-old ritual of seeing two drunk girls at a party full of cockwaffles gives many men the impulse to be like MAKE OUT DO IT COME ON but this time, Charlize, you cost one of those assholes \$140,000. So: good on you. [Page Six]

• Damn, it sucks to be the middle kid. Jody Sweetin apparently was fucked up on los drogas while giving speeches to kids on how she'd cleaned up and how they should stay away from los drogas. Again: damn. [NYDN]

• Just read the way this Showbiz Spy gossip writes about Robert Pattenson's upcoming appearance on Ellen. When you're done, hold your breath, and count how many brain cells you can feel yourself losing. [Showbiz Spy]

• Garth Brooks had Chris Gaines. David Bowie had Ziggy Stardust. Beyonce had Sasha Fierce. Mariah Carey had Mimi. And now, Jennifer Lopez has Lola. Meanwhile, I still don't understand what any of this means, because, for better or for worse, you're still the same goddamn people. [Page Six]

• I couldn't tell you what a Lady Mountbatten is, but apparently, as we learn in the gossip pages today, she was the hottest thing to hit India since Shiva's Hustler spread. What? No idea. Anyway! This Lady person is the subject of Atonement director Joe Wright's new movie, and the Indian government doesn't want them filming it there as the script stands, which is with a hot-and-heavy love story involving some kind of George Washington-like revered figure in India. I'm just shocked at the revelation that anything filmed in India doesn't have to pass an "Awful" test. I'm serious. Bollywood movies make my face hurt. People who suggest they feel otherwise are full of shit. [Page Six]

• Page Six makes a good point that you probably want to be in the family of Sam Mendes: directed American Beauty, married to Kate Winslet, and now, has a mother who just sold another book in the UK. For what it's worth, my brother knows where to get the sickest kush in Long Beach. So I've got that going for me. [Page Six]

• Here's something about some Opera people I didn't understand. They're all probably bitchy and I'm pretty sure Italian. You know an intern put this one together. Here's an out-of-context quote:

his wife, Leyla (herself, a princess from the Ottoman Empire); and Kitty Lai, known as the Queen of Jeans in London.

What the fuck is a Queen of Jeans? Can she tell me how to wash dark-dye selvage denim to shrink them without losing any color? No? Then she ain't no queen to me, sister. [Page Six]

• The owner of the New England Patriots won't be among the 600 people getting married at the Kushner-Trump wedding tomorrow, because, like everyone on his team, he's an asshole. [Page Six]

And! On that note, let's get this party moving. Happy Saturday. It's raining in New York City! And these two cats who were screaming outside of my window all night are still screaming - like, not meowing, but screaming - kind of like this craziness, and if that's not a good excuse for getting in the office a little late, I don't know what is. In celebration of Mr. Yeezy's community servizzle, here's a jam we can all dance to.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]