Ride the Great American Satan Train to the Land of ProsperityS

The Way We Live Now: Sulking about moodily. Night school is kicking our ass. We can't pay the train fare to work. And what's the point, even? There's no hope for employment. Unless you star in a music video.

Through sophisticated reporting techniques that primarily involve Smokin' Smarties, the WSJ has found that America is "a country in a decidedly negative mood" about the economy, just weeks after we were in a great fucking mood cause the stock market was BACK BABY. Now we're all sad again.

It's called crack cocaine, America. Stop doing it, get some mood stabilizers, and pull yourself up by the bootstraps. That means take your ass to night school until 2:30 a.m. like the other knowledge-crazed poors. Sleep in the closet, then catch your 6 a.m. class before work! It's the American way.

And here's what's not the American way: trains. Spending money on trains! Did Henry Ford make all his money from trains, to make Detroit our greatest city? No, he made cars. Look it up. That's like the opposite of trains. Earlier robber barons did indeed make fortunes on trains, but that has nothing to do with Detroit, or the economic fact we are about to drop on your head from a lofty altitude: "Amtrak loses an average of $32 for every passenger who boards one of its trains." Loses, it says! If you ride Amtrak you are literally costing the taxpayers money. Just hitchhike, like a normal hobo. Print out this post and use it to explain to your night school teacher why you were late to class.

Stop sulking. Go to school. Get off the train and walk. Star in a mawkish music video by Ryan Star that plays your unemployment predicament for sympathy and inspiration. That's been the formula for getting a job in the USA ever since George Washington chopped down a neighbor's cherry tree and then demanded payment, while holding and axe. And it hasn't changed since then. So get with the program.
[Pic via]