America Scared to Tell Wife It's Unemployed, Just Sits in Park All DayS

The Way We Live Now: In secret shame. We walk around in public acting like the recession is finally over. But look in your dirty closet, America! Our fanciest corporations are undercover paupers. Our homeless are disappearing. Into the void!

Sure it's so great to watch as the US economy "Roars to life," as the media puts it, in a lie. What is really roaring? Profits at Exxon, the most profitable of profitmaking enterprises ever undertaken for the purpose of profiteering, is down by 68%. At Versace, where every employee is forced to get a tattoo that says "Opulence" immediately upon being hired, a full quarter of the staff is going to be laid off. Diamond merchants are no longer shiny. We're killing each other over yogurt.

Things are spiraling out of control.

As "The Media" celebrates a return to normalcy, turning its gaze away from the shivering Bronx tenants hanging banners out their windows begging for heat in order to focus on 13 billion year-old megastar explosions, it is incumbent upon us to ask: What gaineth the USA if we see the most distant object ever seen yet lose 38% of LA's homeless population, and we don't even know where they are or who may have eaten them?

We gaineth naught, friends. We gaineth naught.