Boulder, Colorado. Home of the Rockies' dankest Sweet Tooth. Also: plenty of dry-throated, red-eyed, patchuli-stinkin', Domino's-craving zombies. Every Halloween, they get nekkid and run around with pumpkins on their heads. Except this year, when SWAT teams are called on them.
Guess who's showing up to tonight's traditional Naked Pumpkin Run dressed as a Party Pooper? The Wall Street Journal would like to introduce you to Boulder, Colorado's Police Chief, one Mr. Mark Beckner:
For nearly a decade, naked pumpkin runners did their thing unmolested, stampeding through the frigid dark past crowds of admirers who hooted, hollered and tossed candy....Beckner fears things are getting out of hand. "It's a free-for-all," he says. So he intends to stop it. He will station more than 40 officers on the traditional four-block route tonight, with two SWAT teams patrolling nearby. All have orders to arrest gourd-topped streakers as sex offenders.
SWAT teams, people. Remember what SWAT stands for? Special Weapons And Tactics. Yeah. Because a bunch of stoners running around requires "tactics." Because 40 Boulder, Colorado officers can't handle a bunch of naked stoners. Because a bunch of stoners running around naked are sex offenders, like the guy making coffee in his house naked is a "sex offender." But mostly because the local officials and government are so outraged, right?
Even Mayor Matt Appelbaum, who supports the police, admits to a tinge of worry that arresting Halloween streakers will tarnish Boulder's reputation as, well, Boulder. "I'm a little old for it, but it could be pretty cool to be running around with a pumpkin on your head and not much else," says the 57-year-old mayor.
Right. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, or something, if you consider having the power not to enforce the existence of stoners, but the power to absolutely enforce the dangerous, society-harming fun the stoners will have. Like running around naked. How dangerous can any town that houses Alex Bogusky be, exactly? Reefer madness, indeed.
The ACLU has WRITTEN A LETTER, YOU GUYS, and is going to make some angry faces if people get arrested. How 'bout you Citizens of Funyonland do one better? Ready those Flip-cams, and get every good butt-bearing bust you can on tape. We'll put together a highlight reel as part of tomorrow's Hangover Candy package. In the mean time, Mark Beckner, you're a special ghoul. This jam goes out to you: