The NYC Marathon: Celebrities, Cheaters, Sluffers, and Winners

Did you know an American won this year's NYC Marathon? Who gives a shit! Celebrities ran. How did Edward Norton, Alanis Morissette, Anthony "Goose" Edwards, Mario Batali's Partner-In-Crime, model Tara Costa, and others do? And what other wackiness transpired? Updated!

Well, Ed Norton went into Primal Fear mode and quietly kicked ass all over New York:

Norton passed the halfway point of the NYC Marathon in 1:48:08, and he made it to the 35K mark in 3:08:18. In a post-race interview, Edward Norton used one word to describe the experience of completing his first marathon in New York - "phenomenal." However, the race wasn't without its challenges. "You know you are going to hit tough spots, in a weird way mine came early in the race, but then I got my second wind around mile 18 and felt great the rest of the way," said Norton.

He also beat Sarah Palin's recorded marathon running time, for whatever that's worth.

Mario Batali's business partner Joe Bastianich ran 3:42:36, he probably got mad carb'd up on some awesome pasta while you ate Mac and Cheese. Anthony Edwards ran a lazy ass 4:08:20. Good thing he doesn't work on ER anymore because a bunch of patients would die because he's so slow. Tara Costa ran 4:23:12, but do you even know who she is? You don't care. Well you should, asshole. She was on The Biggest Loser and ran a marathon faster than you ever will. Alanis Morissette ran 4:28:45, probably because she had one hand in her pocket, but do marathon runners have pockets? Pouches? Whatever, everything's gonna be fine fine fine. Except for those goddamn cheaters. Cheaters! says the New York Times. They've got crafty tricks:

Some take shortcuts, stepping off the course and rejoining it closer to the finish, often sneaking into Central Park once they enter Manhattan near Mile 16. Other racers hand their identities to faster runners, by giving them their designated bibs or the electronic timing sensors that attach to their shoes to officially record progress at intervals on the course.

So, guess you can't just get on the F train. Sucks. And I bet the 8 year-old kids who run the marathon way faster than they ever will make cheaters feel like losers, too. Unless he cheated. Maybe he did.

But you know whose times didn't turn up? Bloodsexsugarmagik Voodooperson David Blaine, wacky NYT food scribe Mark "The Minimalist" Bittman, and model Veronica Webb. Uh oh. Did they sissy out?

Mark Bittman hasn't returned my email so if anybody has any intel on this, I actually really like Bittman and kind of want to know what his excuse is, because it's probably pretty good. He might still be running. Veronica Webb was definitely there! But maybe she got lost in the Bronx? That'd be funny. She also might still be running. You know David Blaine tried to levitate the length of the course or walk 637 dogs while running the New York Marathon or something dumb like that, and it didn't work, so he probably just disappeared. He might still be running, or levitating, or whatever. Also awesome is this Rabbi calling David Blaine a pussy. Here's a list of famous people who ran for good causes.

Marathons are weird things. Lots of people running around with a bunch of numbers on their chests. Seems like a lot of work for nothing, from this vantage point. Either way, a lot of people like to do it, and I hear some of them enjoy it so much they pee themselves. Literally. Runners who don't stop to go to the bathroom pee on themselves! It's like going in the shower but the shower is your own sweat and you feel like you might die so you know fuck it you only live once right? Right. This year, an American guy peed on himself more than anybody else did. He ran 26.2 miles in 2 hours, 9 minutes and 15 seconds. So in less time it takes to see Wicked, this guy ran all around New York City and peed on himself and probably got a drink of water, too. Did we mention he's an American! He is? Yes! He is. Most of the time runners who win the NYC marathons are from places like Ethiopia, where the female winner hails from. So basically they're just cheetahs in people's bodies. And this guy's from San Diego, so if he has anything in common with Caster Semenya he/she's a cougar in a people body. Get it? That was stupid. Anyway, look, a guy from San Diego ran really really fast:

It was very emotional when I finished," said Keflezighi, who made the sign of the cross after the finish and when he passed the point where Shay had collapsed. "Part of it is just visualizing your dream and your dreams have become reality…"

Or whatever. Now he gets $200,000 to spend on lots of awesome Nikes.

UPDATE: Mark "The Minimalist" Bittman has written in!

I finished in 4.45. Or 4.46. They haven't posted my time because I'm a non-celebrity and don't rate I guess.

You know what the NYC Marathon's running? A CON. Bittman's a celebrity in my book. Have you seen his baller-status cooking videos? You really should. It's a crime Bittman isn't more of a celebrity.

Also! Models can haz finishing timez, according to a commenter. Yay! We are glad she's not still running.