In a Terrifying Alternate Universe, Vice President Sarah Palin Claims Victory

On election night, Sarah Palin threatened to "go rogue" by delivering a speech someone else wrote for her, but John McCain refused so she didn't. Now you can read the addresses — both concession and victory — she would've given.

The Daily Beast has an excerpt from Sarah from Alaska, a new Palin bio, with the speeches writer Matt Scully wrote for her on election night: A concession speech in which she lauded "black citizen" Barack Obama for winning, and a victory speech in which she announces that her husband will thenceforth be known as "the First Dude." Reading the victory speech is chilling in a Man in the High Castle sort of way—what if McCain/Palin really did win the election, and we're all just characters in a blog or something? Trippy.

The speeches were never delivered because a) Palin lost, and b) vice presidential candidates don't deliver election night concession speeches in America, a tradition with which Palin was unfamiliar because she's from Alaska. McCain had to personally intervene to tell her she couldn't have the podium, and his staffers brought the house lights down when Palin stayed on the stage to take photos with her family for fear she'd grab the mic.

Anyway, they're both horrible speeches with the maverick-y touches we've come to know and love from Palin, like a reference to an immigrant from a South American nation called "Columbia" (maybe it's spelled phonetically) and a lack of clarity as to whether it had been 68 or 69 days since she joined the campaign (both speeches mention both figures).

From the concession speech:

If he governs America with the skill and grace we have often seen in him, and the greatness of which he is capable, we're gonna be just fine. And when a black citizen prepares to fill the office of Washington and Lincoln, that is a shining moment in our history that can be lost on no one. Barack Obama has achieved a great thing, for himself and for our country, and I congratulate him. God bless you and your beautiful family, President-Elect Obama.

From the victory speech:

It's not always easy in politics to see the best in our opponents. But we have seen the grace and skill of Barack Obama, and the grit and determination of Joe Biden. By his nomination and extraordinary campaign, Barack Obama has achieved a great thing, for himself and for our country, and for that America will always honor him. I say God bless you, Senator Obama, and your beautiful family.

Of course, these days Republicans pay her cash money to talk ahistorical counterfactual nonsense, so who's laughing now, Johnny Mac?