Only two more weeks before Heather Locklear returns to save us from this dreadful show. As always, we have some predictions on how it might work.

We looked into our Melrose Place Crystal Ball (patent pending) and saw the future of the show. Here it goes:

  • Violent is the killer and she kills Auggie, because they're both off the show. We didn't even need our crystal ball for that one.
  • Lauren is going to get caught being a giant hooker and Ella is going to have to save her. She's going to have to choose between helping out her roommate and boning Jonah, and she will choose to save Lauren, and then will hire both her and cash-strapped Jonah for a three way. But then she will dump Jonah for the hot doctor played by Nick Zano. They will have an on-again-off again relationship until they fake their deaths and run off together again, because she is the new Amanda and he will be the new Peter. Lauren is the new Jo, so she will be boring until her contract is up and she leaves the show.
  • Riley and Jonah will break up, of course, and they will continue to make really bad dating decisions, but will still live in the same apartment building and will enable each other's bad choices. They are the new Billy and Allison. That means that Riley will hate Ella for taking Jonah and will get a job at the PR firm to make her life hell. PR is pretty much exactly like teaching first grade, so she will be great.
  • David will not go to jail for being a horrible thief and even worse bloody knife hider, but he will live in a halfway house right next door to Michael Mancini. He will cut his hedges over the fence everyday until Michael realizes that he loves his kid. He will bring cookies to the halfway house and they will stay up late looking at old pictures and sharing stories about how great his mother is. Then David will suddenly turn violently ill and die. Michael poisoned him, because he does not enjoy the tingling sensation of love.
  • The steam will float of the pool like fog off a primordial bog as the tiles of the patio start to shiver like orphans left out in the cold. As the building quakes, the balcony is the first thing to go, caving in on the courtyard, crushing Violent and Auggie, their limbs splayed about like spilled Twizzlers. An inhuman cry tears through the eardrums of all that remain, sending blood down their heads, and they grab their ears, stumbling about trying to keep from falling to their knees as they look up in horror at a sight that is giant, green, and massive: Dinosaur Amanda!