The One Where Joe Jackson and Everyone Else Is or Has a Dick

Joe Jackson: dick, obviously. That Slumdog Millionaire kid, the theory: huge wang. Levi Johnston: famously awaited dong. Jon Gosselin, dickfore. King Bloomberg? You tell me. Paula Abdul, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Adam Duritz, DMX. Presenting your Dicktacular Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

This is silly.

  • Complete shriveled dick Joe Jackson wants the Michael Jackson estate to pay him serious bones. He wants over $15,000 a month to keep being given awards and honored for raising a kid who turned out to be Michael Jackson, and by that, I mean, beating the shit out of his kids. Joe Jackson makes Jon Gosselin look like Dr. Spock. [NYDN]

  • Hell hath no fury like a Fergie scorned, as Josh Duhamel's about to find out. He took a stripper back to a hotel room and had a bunch of crazy sex and watched porn and now he's in trouble. IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY TAKE YO BROKE! ASS! HOME! Sorry, it's the only part of a Fergie song I know. Also, Josh Duhamel: trashy, if not, exhausted dick. [NYDN]

  • Aw. The lead in Page Six today is a curiously warmhearted item about Slumdog Millionaire stars Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel being so completely head-over-heels in Swoondog Swoononaire love. For Page Six on a Saturday, this is some pretty soft, a break from your regularly scheduled gangsta ass shit. Apparently, Pinto and Patel stare deeply into each other's eyes while all these other dudes hit on Pinto. Let's not forget that Pinto left her would-be husband in the middle of filming Slumdog for Dev, but hey, he's the "one and only," or whatever. Honestly, he probably just has a huge schlong, dogg. Oh, come on, what am I supposed to do with this? Seriously. It's Saturday morning. [Page Six]

  • The NYDN has an entire story about how Gisele will always be hotter than anyone even when she's eight months preggers. Until then, New England doesn't give a shit, because they're still salivating at the thought of their Newborn God and Savior, The Littlest Brady, to emerge from her womb in the shotgun formation and stay that way until he joins the Patriots in the 2031 NFL season to lead them to nine more dynasty victories. Meanwhile, I can't wait until they find out he's gay. I've already made the bets with my bookie back home. This kid's gonna come out screaming "Everything's Coming Up Roses." Swear to god. [NYDN]

  • The Williams sisters pulled out of another big tennis match because they're both off making money from tennis without actually having to play it, and it's pissing off their fans. They pulled out of the Federation Cup, which is the Davis Cup for women, which, I have no idea what either of those are. But I do know that Serena's losing more money playing tennis than she's making from it for screaming at those bitchass line judges (and really, who hasn't wanted to scream death threats at those people? Who are those people who grow up to be line judges? What were they like in Kindergarten? Did they cry if you wrote on your desk?). Right? Whatever, Williams Sisters, ignore lame tennis fans. Go forth and make dollahs. [Page Six]

  • Ha. Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino invited dickfore Jon Gosselin out to his wedding in Hawaii, because when you lose the World Series to the best team in America, you know what you do, right? You call Jon Gosselin to come to your wedding in Hawaii. [TMZ]

  • Ms. England beat the shit out of Ms. Manchester over some muscle-bound Broregard because both girls want him, which is funny. Because he looks like this: [NYDN] Also see: Semenya, Caster. Penis joke not needed.

  • Some prisoner wrote somebody a letter—TMZ, I guess—and he's saying wacky things like how he impregnated Octomom and Kate Gosselin and how he sued Black History Month and how Jon Gosselin is a woman on steroids. We've done our investigation work and unless he has a big dick or is the biggest dick in the world (not true, see above), only one of these three statements can possibly be true. [TMZ]

  • A Yankee co-owner, James Nederlander—who also has his named adorning the theater where Rent made a bunch of AIDS jokes for ten years—lost his ring in a parking lot and a "hard hat with a heart" returned it to the 203 year-old Nederlander. In return, the ring returner was promised some of the best seats in Yankee Stadium next season, but as for his other request for a bigger bat, Nederlander had to let him down that he hasn't lived in that oil lamp for at least thirty years now, and hey, I was talking about one of these, okay? Jesus. [Page Six]

  • Oh. Ho. Ho. What do we have here? Our sister site, [NSFW, but like you didn't already know that] Fleshbot, is having a porny little award show for their dirty site at The Box on Wednesday night. And guess who's going to be there? None other than Levi "Almost Famous" Johnston. He's being honored as a "crossover star," but really, everyone's just trying to get a glimpse of his dick before it hits newsstands. In other news, this week's Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup has overdosed on the wang. Can we all step off for a moment, here? [Page Six]

  • Adam Durtiz was told by a bar in Savannah when he'd showed up with new girlfriend Emmy Rossum that he'd arrived too late to perform karaoke for the crowd in front of him, and that he'd have to come back another night. So, a karaoke bar turned down the only opportunity they'll ever have - ever - for a performance of "Mr. Jones," "A Long December," or another other Counting Crows song to be palatable under their roof. Shame, shame, shame. Related: Emmy Rossum is with Adam Duritz. You know where this is going. He probably has a huge donger. [Page Six]

  • Michael Jackson's tigers are being taken care of by Tippi Hedren. I hope she's not trying to touch their penises. [NYDN]

  • Are you kidding me? You're Nick Swisher and you just won the World Series. Jeter, A-Rod, Sabathia, Posada all went to 1Oak. You go to Brother Jimmy's in Murray Hill? You should be taken out of the rotation for the first ten games of next season for that. Seriously. Jesus. Sopranos fuckup Robert Iler was there pouring shots of Paaaaatroooooonnnnn behind the bar for Swisher and Lance Bass. The only funny about dicks here is that Brother Jimmy's is almost always consistantly, unanimously filled with them. [NYP]

  • Haha. King Bloomberg got booed at City Hall when he was congratulated on winning a third term, so he kept his speech short. More importantly: does a guy who runs for three terms have a big wang (swingin' dick complex) or is he in need of compensation by Extenze'ing his reign. Or does he just have balls? Or! Is he just an asshole? This is one of the few cases when "All of the Above" is an acceptable answer. [Page Six]

  • Holy shit. Is Paula Abdul back with Arsenio Hall? Can she even pronounce his name, still? You know what movie they met on, right? Royal penis, etc, etc. [NYDN]

  • D! M! X! Lots of barking, that guy. But: big bark, no bite. Well, at least not since his second album, but really not after rap fans find out that he was going to be in a boxing match only if he could have the fight fixed in his name. This would be commonly referred to as a "dickless" notion. [TMZ]

This one goes out to sister Ferg. Don't worry honey; they're all dicks, but the consolation is that there are plenty to choose from. Happy Saturday, guys!

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]