Teacher Suspended For Implying Chuck Palahniuk Is Cool

It's the oldest tale in the book of high school cliches: Kids love Cool English Teacher for treating them like adults; administration hates Cool English Teacher for same reason; and then somewhere in there, there's a carrot in the butt.

Greg Van Voorhis is totally the Cool English Teacher: Young dude, beard, long hair, calls himself "GvDubs" on Twitter. He gave his students the Chuck Palahniuk short story "Guts" to read and next thing you know all the uncool school people are complaining like some episode of Leave it to Beaver, In the Beaver's Butt. Now the Cool English Teacher's been suspended and the tabloids got ahold of the story and a 16 year-old high school girl is telling the New York Post "He didn't mean it to be anything other than something we could learn from," and everybody is laughing about that quote, because the story is all like,

At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. He slathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.

Go back to Ohio if you don't want your kids learning masturbation things! The only danger here is the possibility the kids will turn into dreary Palahniuk groupies.
[Pic via]