You thought you could guzzle fruit juice forever without getting fat, fatty? No! Scientists warn the calories in fruit juice make you fat just like the calories in soda. Other "danger" foods that put you at risk for weight gain:

• Bread.
• Beer.
• Corn.
• Sushi.
• Wheat.
• Rice.
• Chicken.
• Sunflower seeds.
• Nuts and berries gathered in the forest.
• Wild game.
• Grass.
• Any other substance containing "calories," a measure of energy stored in food, which makes you fat. To ensure you don't get fat, avoid any food with "calories," or just kill yourself.

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.