North and South Korean warships just had a gun battle. North Korea say it was an unfair attack by the South, at which they "lost no time to deal a prompt retaliatory blow at the provokers." But it gets fruitier.

"Much flurried by this," said news service KCNA, dusting down its pantaloons and adjusting its three-cornered hat, "the group of warships of the South Korean forces hastily took to flight to the waters of their side."

Much flurried? Took to flight? Forsooth, I verily demand this pre-Victorian language in more news stories on the region. Our Lord Obama will board his schooner for the East soon. Lo! Let us garland him with such words as he endeavors to bring back spices and silk from these mystical lands.

Send an email to Ravi Somaiya, the author of this post, at ravi@gawker.com.