Usually the commercial breaks during The Hills are for rolling our eyes at the inanity on the screen. Last night, however, they were for awesome, thanks to the new promos for Jersey Shore. Get ready to have your mind blown!
This is the new MTV reality show about a group of guidos living in a beach house for the summer. It's like one of those crappy email forwards full of pictures of guys with bad designer clothes, prickly hair, and fake tans throwing gang symbols at the camera, but it's actually alive. This is such a genius idea that we can't believe it hasn't been done before. No, Growing up Gotti does not count. We have the promo for you, but we have to ease you into it. Here are all the things that are going to be great about this sociological experiment. December 3 can not come soon enough.
Hair: The coiffure of the guido in his native habitat is a thing of beauty. As distinctive as the fluke of a whale and as arresting as the plumage on a turkey's tail, it is an amazing sculpture of gel and ingenuity. This is not so much as vanity, but artistry. You should buy an HD television to watch it in all its majesty.
Muscles: A guido without muscles is like a paraplegic without a wheelchair—he just wouldn't be able to function. Also, they make him spectacular to behold. Especially when he is in contest with others of his species.
Tanning: Hipsters have the ashen death pallor that is cultivated through hours of cruising the city at night and afternoons spent lying in a filthy unmade bed contemplating the importance of Animal Collective. Guidos just lie in a magical bed for 10 minutes a week and—Bam!!—they are a wonderful golden brown color. The darker they are, the more dedicated they are to their craft. We like ours to be the color of wet infield clay, but really we can appreciate the full color spectrum of browns.
Sunglasses in Nightclubs: This is not behavior that is exclusive to our subject but it it one they excel at over all other cultures. It has something to do with the tackiness and size of the sunglasses in comparison with the substandard lighting systems of the nightspots that they frequent. Also, they can not put them on the top of their heads, in case they crush the gel sculpture that is resting there.
Mating Rituals: As much as we hate the idea of their species propagating, we can't get enough of the intricate dances where the males try to woo the females. The female's plumage to attract a mate is equal to, if not surpassing, the males. When the two get together, it's like rubbing French manicured nails over a nylon stuffed with honeydews. Also, they often lead to...
Fights!: We don't know whether it's macho posturing, roid rage, or something in the water in parts of New Jersey, but when it comes to sparring in public the only creature that does it better are the ones classified as Real Housewives. The muscles, hair, tans, sunglasses, and mating rituals all assemble to create these fights, which are greater than the sum of their parts. Much like Voltron, but with better hair and bigger sunglasses.
OK, you are now ready to watch the trailer. They should put this on The Discovery Channel, it's so beautiful.