Fat: the silent menace of new moms and just plain fat people alike. Scientists now tell us that you must either have a small human suckle the fat off your body, or cut your own gut open, to slim down.
Ladies who've just had babies (they get all the luck, fitness-wise!) can simply attach their nipples to the mouths of said baby, and allow the child to extract hundreds upon hundreds of calories worth of breast milk every day, leading to slim, trim, pre-baby body in no time. So says a gross simplification of a NYT trend story today (with a priceless lead photo)! At last, science has discovered a use for babies. New mothers couldn't be happier:
"Nobody wants to admit they are doing it for themselves, or ‘I'm doing it to help myself look hot again,' " said Jesse Comer, from Portland, Ore., whose main motivation to breast-feed was her baby's health.
Ha, we'll take your word for it, Jesse! And for those of us not fortunate enough to have an attachable fat-remover, scientists have bad news: the bacteria in your very gut is conspiring with the food you eat to make you fatter. The simple takeaway is that, if you want to lose weight without being forced to reach inside your own intestines and engage in hand-to-hand combat with allegedly "friendly" bacteria, have a baby.