The Way We Live Now: With total disregard for everything, except our own selfish desire for precious money. You're hurting your families. You're falling behind the rest of the world, wasting time gambling and tinkering. What's wrong with you?

The fact that you are broke and unemployed and desperate is driving your kids crazy. Why are you so selfish?
You got laid off and now your wife is working, in a job, despite being a woman. How could you let this happen?
Australia's two months into an economic recovery and Somalia is staying afloat thanks to its generous diaspora, but America can't even keep its own currency respectably strong. Why are you so inferior?
Instead of making lots of money and becoming rich and strong, Americans are wasting time "tinkering" and pouring all their disposable income into video bingo games (we're looking at you, Alabama). Why are you so fiscally foolish?
Wal-Mart's doing okay. Why aren't you?
An Andy Warhol painting just sold for $43.7 million. Why aren't you artistic?
People are so hungry they're eating nails. Why are you so fat?

"Because" is not an answer. Sir? Sir.

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.