Where Teary, Party-Escaping Lindsay Lohan and St. Elmo's Fire Meet in the Middle

Lindsay Lohan is cracked out and running out of places! Or something. We're not sure what Harry Potter is smoking but it's awesome. Carrie Prejean has more sex on camera. Jon Gosselin, Exortionists: Dicknoses. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • You guys. Don't you just love it when you sit around talking about the good old days, like St. Elmo's Fire, or something, and then something happens to remind you that, you know what, These Are The Days? Something like that happened and it made the front story of Page Six. Who ran crying out of a party? Lindsay Lohan ran crying out of a party. God, I feel 22 again! So: Am I supposed to know who this Courtenay Semel person is? She looks like a broke-ass Brittny Gastineau or something. Actually, I have no idea what the hell she looks like, either, it just sounded right, you know? Anyway. This Court-en-ay person used to be good friends with LiLo and then (Team) Lohan became too fabulous for her and now, they ran into each other at a party at Gastineau's place. Apparently, Court-en-ay (sound it out) just got out of rehab and came back ready to rock out with her fabulous out, or whatever, and she decided to try to help LiLo by giving her some advice on going to rehab in a very public manner. Princess Lipsdsay was not happy about this and cried and left, and all of the Sunlillies in the Kingdom of Hollywood wept a shimmering, single petal, as they do every time Lilo leaves a party that had Jill Zarin, Nicole Murphy and Jamie Foxx at it (Let's be honest, you know Jamie Foxx made a really funny joke about this shit: Blame it on the Bus-prin?). Lohan left to go party with some shipping heir, Starvos The Greek, until 7AM. [Page Six]

  • America's Prettiest Homophobe Carrie Prejean apparently made seven different sex tapes and took lots of nekkid pictures before she was a Crazy Homophobe and went on Larry King and freaked out. Girl, don't you get it? You say some stupid shit and act all proud, like we should care. Then, you try to "take your message" of hate out whatever, fine. But you know the world's gossip pages are run by queens and showtune-loving Jews who would love nothing more than your moral hypocrisy of shame spread prostrate (or in this case, spread eagle) in front of America the Public? You should get Levi Johnston's manager, this Tank character. He may be a crook, but at least he's a crook who knows what he's doing. [NYDN]

  • Twilight fans, you know how much I hate you. Now know how much the directors of the movie hate you: Catherine Hardwick was basically all like, yeah, Rob Patz and K-Stew's romance was a slowwwww burn, baby. Which probably feels like taking a band-aid off very slowly to you. [NYDN]

  • Oh, Daniel Radcliffe, you are the shit, son. Radcliffe denied he smoked weed today after he was pictured on the front page of a British tabloid smoking what appeared to be a paper with some wackiness in it and wearing a, wait for it, "bizarre, comic-looking beard etched on his face." Much like my real one. He claims to be smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. Does it matter what he was smoking? He either smokes rollies or he smokes L's, and he was wearing a drawn-on beard on his face. He likes cougars, and the first performance he made on Broadway was a Dirk Diggler moment people shelled out over $100 to see. Also, he's Harry Potter. Could have it worse, you know? [Page Six]

  • Lindsay Price and Josh Randor broke up. Who? One of them is from some Eastwick show the other is a guy from How I Met Yo' Momma. [NYDN]

  • Serena Williams: Bootylicious? Apparently, her jelly isn't ready to play tennis these days. [Page Six]

  • Shameless Self-Promotion: Jared Leto is the best. [BlackBook]

  • Some dicknose trying to shake down Cindy Crawford is a real piece of shit. Surprised? He also beat his ex-wife a bunch when they were married. [NYDN]

  • And speaking of dicknoses, Jon Gosselin is now claiming to be too famous to be employed. So serious right now. He's filing a lawsuit against TLC saying that they've rendered him unemployable due to the insane media interest on him. Hey, Court of Law, as a member of the media, I can say that Jon Gosselin is the one attempting to draw our interest out, and he's pretty bad at that job, too. [NYDN]

  • Stripper, to Fergie: "Sorry for sleeping with Josh Duhamel." Kids, to Stripper Mom: "Sleeping with Josh Duhamel < Stripping." [NYDN]

  • Normally, whenever PETA opens their mouths, even if it's for a good cause, you're like OMGSTFU PETA, you guys are being crazy-obnoxious right now and a detriment to your cause. But I have to say, on this one, well played: they're asking US Marshals to donate Ruth Madoff's furs to the homeless to "highlight the difference between need and greed." Like, whoever made that PR play and got it in Page Six, smooth. Take the day off, PETAPerson. [Page Six]

  • Some old guy does it with young chicks, or something. Go get 'em Saturday gossip pages. [Page Six]

And here we are: Saturday, the Saturday of Our Lives. I don't know what that means, but maybe Lindsay Lohan will help us all find out.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]