Noted author Sarah Palin is on Oprah, right now. Let's watch it together!
First, Oprah would like to get this out of the way: remember the actual outright lie that Drudge printed about how Oprah "snubbed" Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin says it was a whole lot of nonsense! And she didn't even think about it! Lies about lies, already, and it is two minutes in. Palin's hair looks even bigger than it did in 2008 btw.
Sarah Palin says getting vetted was fun! She has a joke about it: she got a D once, in college (which college?) And Oprah is like, wait, your teenage daughter was pregnant why are you pretending that anyone cared about a D? And Sarah Palin is like "they did not give us an allowance to take care of Bristol," and also a lying PR person lied to her about how she loved being a grandma. Sarah Palin did not love being a grandmother!
Oh, hah, Chris Lehmann is doing this, too. He is funemployed!
"Of course, though, not knowing how intriguing it would be, for SOME OF THE HATERS, for some of the critics, to really delve into our personal life, and really make MORE of some of the issues that were there." Also the story where Barack Obama said that Sarah Palin's kids were off-limits? In Sarah Palin's imagination, that was Barack Obama telling the media that his kids were off-limits but that everyone should just go fuckin' nuts on Sarah's kids.
4:13 Oprah is pretending that the things in Sarah Palin's book are true! Now they are doing the famous "a fat man told me to eat a balanced diet" routine. Also: Sarah Palin doesn't like to shop. And: it wasn't a controversy where other candidates got their clothes, why was it a controversy for Palin? BECAUSE OTHER CANDIDATES WEREN'T GETTING NEW CLOTHES WITH CAMPAIGN FUNDS, SARAH.
4:16 Hillary Clinton! Drink!
4:17 The staff was hired to write the script. But her staff couldn't find the script! So they couldn't stay on the script. She was told to stay on the script, "and that was always puzzling to me."
Now she is doing a hilarious impression of someone (McCain?) saying "you screwed up, you went rogue on us."
4:19 Sarah Palin doesn't think she could be blamed for winning the race any more than she could've been credited for winning the race, if they had won! This is an official acknowledgment that she lost the race I think?
4:21 Oh man, a LIBERAL MEDIA ELITE MOVIE TRAILER just MADE FUN OF SARAH PALIN, during the commercial break! But don't worry, The Corner: Hugh Grant and Carrie SexintheCity will learn important lessons about the superiority of life in Real America, in the course of their wacky misadventures among the hicks of Wyoming, all of whom will be played by famous movie stars, like Sam Elliott.
4:23 A network evening news anchor's interview of a major party's Vice Presidential candidate was supposed to be a "fun, light-hearted" interview about the challenges of being a working mom. And then Katie Couric tricked Sarah Palin with questions about politics!
4:25 Oh, good, Oprah is actually playing a clip of the interview. Let's see how Sarah does when challenged with reality! Remember how she couldn't remember a magazine or newspaper? Oprah: "Obviously you've read books and magazines. Why didn't you just name any books and magazines?" SP: "Obviously, I have been a lover of books, all my life." Conspicuously she still has not named a book or magazine that she has read.
4:29 "Are you asking the same thing that I am asking, why, God?" And Todd said "why not, God?" Oprah was "touched" by this line, from Todd: "I'm happy, and I'm also sad." Touching. Also Oprah is mocking her, right?
4:31 Tomorrow: porn! Oprah has questions for Jenna Jameson that we are kinda wishing she'd also ask Sarah. HOW MANY MEN HAVE YOU BEEN WITH, SARAH?
4:33 Levi Johnston just got a round of applause! (Also, drink?) How does Sarah feel about Levi? "Most of the discussion of Levi has to do with his most beautiful baby son, Tripp." She is disappointed that he is doing the porn. Oprah is laying out most of the things that Levi has said about her, and Sarah says you know he is a liar because he said Sarah never went to hockey games. Everyone knows she went to hockey games. Also, beautiful boy, precious, Bristol in college, at home, and Bristol's mission is to remind her sisters that there are consequences to unprotected sex. Like I guess your boyfriend will lie about your mom and then do porn. Tripp is "the most beautiful child," again. This lady loves babies.
In the last segment, Palin was actually forced to be more critical of her campaign than Oprah is. One wonders: is Oprah this desperate to boost her ratings? Is anyone on TV actually interested in finding out the truth?
IS ANYONE BUT ANDREW SULLIVAN INTERESTED IN FINDING OUT THE TRUTH?
4.39 pm. Who is Auntie Katie?
THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!
4:41 Oh no, the package piece from Wasilla. Sarah changing diapers, all by herself! Todd staying home with one of the miracle babies! Sarah at the gym! Oh, it is Halloween. This is a wonderful look at a regular American family. A family where no one has a job. Piper appears to be dressing as her own father, in a "snow machine" outfit, for Halloween.
4:44 Hah. Being "physically apart" from each other has always worked for Todd and Sarah! But what the hell do they do now, when neither of them are working?
4:49 Ok, FreshDirect just came, so I had to pause the LIES ABOUT THE CONCESSION SPEECH for a minute. Sorry. Sarah Palin was disappointed that she was denied one last opportunity to remind Americans that we needed to move forward. And so America was unable to move forward. All because of Steve Schmidt and his lies about VP candidates not traditionally giving concession speeches!
4:51 Sarah Palin's "support system" would blow you away, Oprah!
4:52 "Even after finishing the book, I still don't know why you stepped down?" She does not really have a good explanation! It was because Barack Obama sent in too many FOIA requests. Obama hammered Alaska and she was shackled behind the governor's desk. With FOIA requests. She could not speak about what she believed in. Oprah is still baffled.
4:54 "She's not retreating, she's reloading." That is what dad said. Sarah Palin is concentrating on 2010, because obviously we will be dead, in 2012. Oh, and Trig will be in kindergarten. Space kindergarten, hopefully.
4:56 "One final question: should I be worried?" Yes, Oprah, probably. But you needn't be worried about this inarticulate rabble-rouser having a talk show. Now Palin is sucking up to Oprah, who she used to watch, back when she was a stay-at-home mom (Sullivan you should probably fact-check this). THE END. "Thank you Piper," Oprah says, and then the camera cuts to DAVID LETTERMAN AND A-ROD TAG TEAMING A CHILD, AN UNDERAGED CHILD.
5:00 That was the most boring episode of Oprah I've ever watched!