Good Luck at Your Crappy Thanksgiving With No Tasty Pumpkins or Eggo SandwichesS

The Way We Live Now: Letting go of my Eggo. The worldwide Eggo shortage might be humorous if it weren't so god damn serious. It happened right along with the worldwide pumpkin shortage. Just in time for Thanksgiving. And breakfast.

It's not just that your grocer may be out of your particular Eggo flavor of choice for a day or two. That you could tolerate, although you can be sure the manager would hear about it, as well as that "Corporate customer care contact" person you found on Consumerist. No, it's much worse than that. Eggo factories must quite literally be run by simians, because now the company says "We hope to regain full distribution of Eggo products by the middle of 2010."

2010. You'll be fighting like the guy in the god damn The Road for another eight months just to get your hands on some good old blueberry toaster waffles.

What will America run on? America don't run on Dunkin. Not around here. The real America runs on Eggo waffles, a strong cup of Sanka, and then the four-eggs-n-scrapple platter at the diner downtown. To remove Eggos from our morning routine doesn't just threaten our taste buds that crave that delicious crisp warm sweet Eggo taste—it threatens the American Morning.

People will go hungry.

What else can go wrong? Jiminy Cricket. That's not an epithet—it's the name of our old pumpkin vendor, who my family purchased holiday gourds from just about as far back as I can remember. He's in prison now, but I mention him because of this whole Pumpkin shortage America is having, and just in time for the holidays. I'll be dadgummed. The one time of year you would actually want to buy a god damn pumpkin, there's none to buy, thanks to too much "rain." As far as I and most normal people are concerned, you can take every god damn pumpkin grown from January through September and set them all on fire in a festive display. Just have those pumpkins ready for Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then put them the hell away. I don't even want to hear about them, after that. But don't go having a "pumpkin shortage" right when we might want a god damn pumpkin, of all things.

It's just poor management.

No Eggos for your breakfast
No Pumpkin for your pie
No turkey at the food bank
You might as well just die.