Peanut Butter and Jelly Is the Body and Blood of Union-Busting JesusS

The Way We Live Now: Same as ever. Hard times have been around for years now! But nobody was paying attention. The Christians were fighting unions and the yuppies were building dream homes and everyone else? Peanut butter jelly time.

Way back in 2005, when the liberal media would have had you believe that everything was economically hunky-dory, a fifth of Americans couldn't even pay for their basic needs like food, clothing, shelter, and "sizzlin'" fajita platters. But all you heard about in the news was "Alan Greenspan is so sexy" and "Let's invest in private equity" and "How to make money from dead Iraqis."

So what changed? Very little materially, since all the "wealth" of 2005 turns out to have been imaginary. Since this recession hit, our nation is buckling down and concentrating on what's really important: our spiritual needs. For those of the Christian faith, that means taking time to celebrate things like being with your family and fighting relentless culture wars against gays and women. And unions! Christians are now vociferously against unions, too! Jesus was not in the Gay Abortion Union.

Should America be?

It's a question each citizen must answer for himself here in America, a nation of God. We're not a land like North Korea, where our own heathen diplomats smuggle cigarettes from abroad in a desperate bid to raise enough money in the black market to avoid eating grass soup for yet another month. We're better than that. American may have given up on building their dream home, but we haven't given up on something far more significant: J.M. Smucker Co. The latest profits are through the fucking roof.

We Americans just cannot get enough of that good Folgers coffee, Jif peanut butter, and Smucker jelly. It is peanut butter jelly time. In America. Now. And forever.
[Pic via]