This week, everyone was naked and fighting in public and also there was a book no one read but everyone kept talking about.
A pornography company offered a famous beauty contest loser lots of money to distribute video tapes they already possess of her masturbating. Google has scooters. And hellishly lengthy weddings. Adam Lambert wants to lick your gross vagina. He will turn back into a pumpkin if he appears too gay, obv. Ivanka Trump does not like it when you point out that she and her husband are terrible businesspeople.
Goin' Rogue is a wonderful read, as long as you don't actually read it. (And please don't judge it based on its skin. Though you should judge Newsweek for cruelly taking a publicity photo Palin arranged to present herself in what she thought would be a flattering light to one audience and presenting it to a less fawning audience. It is sexist to think she looks ridiculous! Also it is sexist to be Nicole Wallace!)
January Jones is the worst. The word of the year is still "barely rewritten press release." Make sure to buy someone on your list the popular "Twilight Vampire Guy Sock Puppet." The weirdo playboy guy is maybe a front for some sort of private security firm. Everyone at AP has been laid off. Lady Gaga was on Gossip Girl. No one wants to see Naomi Watts' stupid stroller ever again! Growing up in Canada, young Graydon Carter loved nothing more than his beloved sled. And Eddie Haskell. It is still totally fun to be a dictator's son. Malibu estate! Rodeo Drive shopping sprees! Whee!
Nowadays we can't even bother to pay attention to the scripted-for-the-cameas mock fights between people we aren't sure we're supposed to know why they're famous when they happen right before our very eyes. Thank god we have our faith to guide us. Our faith that god will kill the president, because we dislike him. It's on a t-shirt and everything. Brooklyn Decker is the real-life name of a real-life human who is on tv. The Hills is apparently Apartment 3G. Michele Bachmann's still got it! You probably shouldn't advertise booze with pictures of people driving. Mississippi: still racist after all these years. Haaa McDonald's doing the McCafe thing again. (There is totally an untouched McCafe McDonald's somewhere down in Gowanus or something. Bleeding edge!)
Barry is so skinny and it worries Matt Drudge so much. Texas banned marriage, which seems fair enough. Page Six is going after this naked teenager from Alaska, for some reason. The obvious Top Chef finalists became the official Top Chef finalists. Facebook is getting sued for all the money in the world. The kids on the Glee show are still singing. Sing sing sing. I dunno. People seem to be pretty into it? Limelight is going to be a shopping mall. HAH.
James Franco won all the National Book Awards because he is dreamy. Oprah decided to kill the concept of daytime television. Courtney Semel is not a very nice friend. Fox News won't stop digging. Someone, somewhere, actually wrote something truthful on their YouTube profile. (It was a murderer.) Restaurant owners are dicks, especially ones who email everyone to yell at them. Don't look at Jude Law. 30 Rock was just OK last night. Thank christ this season of Project Runway is over, though.