A Plan to Get All the Money America Needs to Pay Back, With Only Minimal Loss of LifeS

The Way We Live Now: Solution-oriented. Problem: We're hundreds of billions of dollars in debt. Solution: Hoard gold, buy life insurance, and kill ourselves.

Remember they did like a "bailout" thing a while back, when our economy had that momentary hiccup? So apparently now our government is going to have to be paying that back, to the tune of $700 billion per year. Which is not to say we' can't do it—we're not here to worry you, or upset your mind in any way whatsoever with technical issues of "the prospect of not having money ever for the rest of your natural life"—but we need a plan here, to get this thing taken care of.

So here is the plan, without further ado: Everybody take all your money and put it into gold right now. That shit is as high as it's ever been right now and it has nowhere to go but up. Then take the rest of all your money and put it into stocks. They are totally going through the roof today and we for one see no sign of this trend stopping any moment. If you're an executive now, don't stop being one, because as long as you are, you get to keep all the money. Next, find the dude selling life insurance in the subway—his name is Eric, he's down there all the time. Purchase a $700 billion policy.

Right, everything is going swimmingly. To complete the financial wizardry in action here, kill yourself. Don't feel bad. Everybody's doing it.

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