Thanksgiving is a day for being with family, giving thanks, and—ohmygod, you burned the freaking turkey, didn't you. DIDN'T YOU! Please step away from the canned cranberry sauce and let Anthony Bourdain be your Thanksgiving guide.

Anthony will show you how to make a kick-ass (non-traditional) turkey, an insanely unhealthy, but guaranteed delicious stuffing, and some oh-so savory gravy (roast dem bones, people!). If you follow Bourdain's tips, maybe you can stave off humiliation in front of your whole family until Christmas (probably not).

What about the cranberry sauce, Anthony? What about the cranberry sauce?!!? GAHHH!