It inevitably happens every year, someone gets trampled trying to get a DVD player for $15.99 at Walmart at 5am on Black Friday. This year, don't let tragedy strike! We have some strategies that will keep you safe while spending.
The day after Thanksgiving is the most popular shopping day of the year, but it also the most deadly. Sure, there are always going to be fights over limited merchandise, but early morning specials and stores trying to frontload their days with shoppers ready to spend has created an atmosphere of deadly frenzy. Well, it is time to fight back! Here are several methods that will keep you alive and get you to the front of the pack. This December 25th when you have a pocket full of left-over cash and your children gratefully screech, "Thank you, Santa!" You better turn to your computer, nod, and say, "No, thank you, Gawker."
The Paparazzi Strategy: Pretend like the mob rushing the front door for cheap Blu-Ray players are like photographers and you are Robert Pattinson. Surround yourself with some thuggy types and have them walk you through the crowd.
Fatal Flaw: You have to have a big, tough entourage, or else you'll all go down like Tila Tequila at the dick buffet.
Best For: Big egos, people who are well connected, anyone with a subscription to Star.
Do Not Attempt If...: You do not know who Robert Pattinson is. That means you have never seen someone successfully avoid the paps and you are doomed to a million footprints on your face.
The NASCAR Strategy: At 4:59, right before the doors open, have a friend or family member pull up in a car that vaguely resembles a NASCAR racer. It's going to be dark, so it doesn't have to be perfect. When all the Walmartians are staring shout, "Look, it's Jeff Gordon!!" The crowd will go rushing for autographs and it will be just you and and the Walmart greeter.
Fatal Flaw: You may be stuck in a stampede when everyone goes Gaga over Gordon.
Best For: Red staters
Do Not Attempt If...: You live somewhere where no one will know who Jeff Gordon is. If you are standing the cold in front of Target instead of Walmart, you are in one of those places. If that is the case, a black town car with a black lady in the back seat can be used to create a diversionary "Oprah."
The Blocking Wedge Strategy: This football-inspired move is so effective that it got banned by the NFL. Get several "toughs" (great aunts work especially well for this) and have them run in a tight V formation. You are at the center of the V safe from harm. You will plow through the crowd of bargain hunters like a plow through snow.
Fatal Flaw: You have to get Great Aunt Fanny and the girls to run fast enough or else your wedge will be destroyed by the tide of bodies behind you.
Best For: Sports fans, Deadspin readers, lesbians.
Do Not Attempt If...: You are not committed. It's not easy to make your way through a mob, but when you get your hands on an electronic hampster it will be all worth it.
The Storm Trooper Strategy: Just like when Han Solo and Luke Skywalker put on Storm Trooper costumes to infiltrate the Death Star in Star Wars, all you need is a Walmart uniform to get inside. Show up in a blue apron an hour early and use the employee entrance. They've hired tons of seasonal staff, so they won't even care that they don't recognize you. Make yourself busy organizing shelves or something. And when the doors open, ditch the apron, and grab whatever your little heart desires.
Fatal Flaw: Someone might realize that you don't have a time card with your name on it.
Best For: The nondescript, chameleons, failed actors.
Do Not Attempt If...: You have any distinguishing features. People won't remember a mid-height lady with brown hair, but if someone with a goth 'do and a face full of piercings shows up at the employee entrance, it might cause a stir.
The Stay the Fuck Home! Strategy: Um, see the above. Really, is it worth risking death over a cheap TV? Also, it is real early in the morning.
Fatal Flaw: If servers crash on Cyber Monday then you are screwed.
Best For: Sane individuals, spendthrifts, city folk.
Do Not Attempt If...: You really want to go out with shopping cart wheel marks over your face in your coffin.