Whoops! Last night, everyone was pretty sure Tiger Woods' "Operation: Lovetap" accident was followed by his wife smashing his car's back window to save him. Looks now like she was doing it to bludgeon him. Scorned lovers, coming up. FORE!
The august news organization known as TMZ reports that the facial lacerations Tiger was found with were reportedly caused by his wife, Elin Nordegren, after she got wind of rumors that Tiger
(A) "....had to pull his putter out of another hole."
(B) "....was getting his balls washed on another course."
(C) "....got busted hitting a new back nine."
(D) "....took a few too many strokes back there."
(E) "....had hired a new caddy to organize his clubs, and that caddy was possibly a hot club promoter, and by 'caddy' we mean 'mistress.' and by 'organize' we mean 'have sex with,' and by 'clubs' we mean 'penis.'"
Take your pick.
Basically, they got into an argument, she went all crazypants, beat the shit out of him, he got in his car, she smashed his window, he tried to get away, he backed into a tree and a fire hydrant.
We're told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We're told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV — but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.
Another interesting development: there was no blood on the wheel, and Nordegren's been changing her tune for cops, both evidence towards the "scorned wife" theory. Oh, and also, he might've been fucked up on pain pills for his knee. Not, for the record, his Wheaties. Which he clearly didn't have that night. Or if you ask his dick: has been having more than ever!
Maybe, maybe not. According to the woman who he's probably given more than a few mulligans to, not so much. Rachel Uchitel, the woman who Tige's lady thinks is schtupping her mans, says the National Enquirer story Woods and his wife probably fought over is bullshit. BlackBook got her on the horn:
I totally deny the Enquirer story. They did contact me about it, but they didn't use any of my quotes or any of the information I gave them. They make it sound like I said those things, but it's all other people saying I said things
Meanwhile, Tiger-style's apparently going to talk to cops today, which will give us a more clear picture on whatever happened, but since Woods lives in one of these insular Florida neighborhoods that protects the livelihood of celebrities first and foremost, and the local news organizations are probably used to kowtowing to said authorities, we're going to have to depend on the reporting of Harvey Levin and Co. to keep us sufficiently updated on this one. But, basically, the story that's developed is something like this: Tiger's lady went psychotic once rumors of Tiger cheating surfaced, Tiger, trashed on pain pills, tried to escape evil lady's clutches, crashed into fire hydrant and tree. Awesome.
Any pop culture incident involving celebrities, infidelity, drugs, domestic wife-on-man violence, and car crashes? Come on, it's like celebrities going shopping for you. Personally, I have my own theory as to who's behind all of this madness. This menace must be stopped at once:
[Top Image, where Tiger is pictured reacting to a threat of "fuck(ing) your shit up, soldier" via Getty Images.]