Tomorrow night, a TV ratings battle for the ages. Two dogs, on two different networks, will attempt to save Christmas. In doing so, they will demonstrate the completely brainsucking, disturbingly palpable lack of originality in television programming. New lows, ahead.

On ABC Family at 8PM, there is: THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS. Okay, you ready: it's HOME ALONE meets HOMEWARD BOUND. There's this dog voiced by A.C. Slater, and the dog outsmarts a bunch of thieves who come to the house to piss on some well-to-do white family's Christmas tree. WHO WILL COME OUT ALIVE?

On CBS at the notably more risque hour of 9PM, there's A DOG NAMED CHRISTMAS. Aside from the fact that this is the stupidest dog name since "Doctor Frumpykins Esquire," I can't even complete this sentence without, I mean:, are you, UGH.

A Hallmark Hall of Fame presentation based on the novel of the same name, in which a developmentally challenged young man (Noel Fisher) adopts a yellow Lab that he names Christmas — while trying to convince his rural community to take part in the local animal shelter's "Adopt a Dog for Christmas" program.

This strikes me as unnecessarily cruel to developmentally challenged people, who are far, far more competent in the realm of making TV magic happen as opposed to whoever the fuck's running prime time TV these days. Hopefully the kid won't go all the way with this one, but if he felt the need to, he could certainly get into some method acting by occupying an office at either network's original programming divisions. Also, Christmas is officially here too early. I now feel violated by the Christmas spirit. I'm sorry, but doesn't a Christmas-themed movie about adopted dog and a "developmentally challenged young man" just feel exploitative? No. NO. DO NOT WANT. EVER. Also, why would two networks run competing made-for-TV movies about dogs? Theory:

TV's nod to the megapopular big-screen movie "Marley & Me," which opened last Christmas season with stars Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson — and told the tale of a mischievous yellow Lab, Marley, and his effect on his human family.

Oh, that's right. Because you saw it work a year ago and now two network heads think people want more of what they had before! Well, spoiler alert:

Yeah, the dog dies. It dies. It's depressing. Dogs are wonderful and then they die, like everything else, including the Christmas spirit, which you have just ensured to be empty and stillborn. Sure, I don't have to watch these shows—nobody does! And they shouldn't!—but that doesn't make CBS and ABC Family any less awful, and terrible, and just plain cruel and stupid. Those crook fuckers.