Brad Pitt's Got 99 Problems, and an Angelina's One: Smokin' Weed and Psycho Women

Problems of Brad Pitt, Part 2. Can he live? No. The New York Post reports on a book coming out detailing Brad Pitt's recent troubles. Among them: Brangalina's divorce-bound, because Angelina Jolie's psychotic. Also: Jennifer Aniston's totally a paranoid stoner.

The New York Post details the revelations laid bare in Ian Halperin's book Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, which comes out on Tuesday. The highlights:

  • Brangelina: going down Breakup Road, are not passing go. They argue about everything from politics to how to raise the kids to Brad's weed smoking habit. Everyone knows they're miserable. Brad's family wants them to break up, even their drivers have seen their knockdown-dragout fights. A publicist gave them 18 months. And those fights!

  • Their fights are intense, because Angelina's kinda crazy. I mean, we knew this way back when she was her and Billy Bob were swapping blood samples and putting hexes on each other, but apparently, people are scared for Brad. The aformentioned driver said she had a temper "like a cobra." They scream when they fight, and it's often her doing the screaming. Also, she's been reported as being very, very controlling of Pitt, and won't let him out of the house. Related: Snakes are scary.

  • Yes, their sex was crazy-awesome. They used to stay in bed for up to 20 hours a day, fucking. Most people who stay in bed for 20 hours a day are either dead, morbidly obese, or getting high and eating cookies. Oh, also, that:

  • Brad Pitt loves to get really, really high. Angelina's not a fan. She refers to Brad's affection for drinking and smoking as his "habit." Angelina doesn't think Brad's "habit" is the right environment for their kids. She's obviously never seen True Romance. Assuming they separate, the publicist quoted on the aforementioned 18-month window also thinks this is gonna turn out to be a huge publicity line both of them will tow.

  • Pitt might've cheated. Apparently, this story keeps "popping up." It goes something like: Pitt met a hot Sudanese woman at a benefit at Cannes. He was seen with her a few times. Angelina obviously wasn't pleased over this.

  • Their family is run on nannies and publicists. The kids have a "'"multicultural' team of nannies to care for their young brood." Brood! The nannies are like second-parents to the kids. Every move by the family is coordinated for image; they very intentionally have nannies crouch out of pictures, basically choreographing public appearances.

  • Angelina's Aniston Problem. When Angelina was stealing Pitt from Jennifer Aniston on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Angelina didn't want to be viewed as a homewrecker, so she spread those nasty rumors about Aniston not wanting to have kids as opposed to focusing on her career. Not so much. Brad and Jen built a nursery for a kid that never came for them, except....

  • Jennifer Aniston had two miscarriages, one in 2003, the other in '04. Woah. Pitt was "furious" about the rumors Jolie spread, and he came to her, and told her to stop. Via a Fox source: "She was convinced that is the story that would resonate with all these women who saw her as a man-stealing bitch." Damn.

  • Jennifer and Brad used to get really high together. But Jen always got paranoid. Of course Jennifer Aniston's a paranoid smoker.

Now that all that information's out there in the Post piece, question: who's gonna buy this book? Are people that obsessed that they have to go beyond their sociopathic celebrity weeklies and summary of shit gone wrong with Brangelina that they need to read an entire book about it? Apparently so. Because people buy these books. But who?! Do you really need to read 300 pages on Brangelina? Scientology and Tom Cruise, maybe. Michael Jackson, sure, if you're that morbid. But Brangelina? Really? I promise, Netherland is better.

That aside, is this BOOM! Goes the dynamite-true or complete bullshit? Hard question to answer, but it most likely has at least one solid foot firmly planted in reality. Ian Halperin—another one of these strange, bowtied gossip creatures who can, yes, write entire 9/11 Commission-esque reports on the crumbling marriage of Brangelina—has done pretty credible reporting, most recently, on Michael Jackson's death, where he had his Called it moment of smug. He claims to have talked to 900 sources to get the story, but that's where the issues come in.

1. Of these 900 people, how many do you actually think have a substantial, true account with nothing invested in either party and/or talking to a reporter?

2. Take a line like this:

A hotel employee at the Dorchester Hotel in London once overheard 3-year-old Shiloh refer to one of her nannies as "Mommy," Halperin writes.

Sure, okay, probably true. But 3-year-old kids have (A) Freudian slips, (B) small brains, and (C) names for things that aren't actually their names, because they're three.

3. The account seems entirely biased on the side of Pitt. Certainly, if there's celebrity fallout, Pitt's the larger celebrity, and who knows if Halperin has a motive (besides selling books) or how he slanted his narrative to get the accounts he wanted.

All of that aside, as previously mentioned: Jolie's always been kinda nuts. Pitt was reluctant to dish on his perfect joint-rolling strategy recently, maybe fearing retribution. And they're building a militia with those kids. Who wouldn't be tense if you had to fear a potential coup d'etat over cereal selections every nine days?

And all of that said? How great would it be if Pitt and Aniston got back together? Seriously. She's earned her stripes, and even if she is worried about the fuckin' cops, man, she's probably still cool with Brad toking up and could maybe even learn to love Angelina's Army too, so long as they don't try to kill her and/or suck her blood. And it'd make my job exponentially easier. Who wants to learn what a Gerard Butler is, anyway? Braniston 2011! Show of hands on this, please.