How Are We Whipping Our Kids Into Fighting Shape?

If the youth of America don't lose that weight, how will they fare in the deserts of Iraq, waging our 100 Year War of Imperial Conquest? Exactly. That's why schools across the country are literally forcing kids to shape up.

• Lincoln University (in Pennsylvania!) is mandating that students with a body mass index over 30 either lose weight or "take a one-semester fitness and nutrition course." Hahaha! That will be the reaction of their fellow students, which is why the school might have to back down on this requirement. Problem: You know who has a body mass index over 30? The Incredible Hulk. Who would make a fine soldier. A related problem there, and at other schools, is kids eating the fries and the pizza. Why not just remove "food" from the cafeteria? Cause, meet effect.
• In the San Francisco Bay Area, the toughest high schools are now forced to contend with yoga classes. "What began as small pilot programs has suddenly spread as more South Bay schools in neighborhoods challenged by poverty, drugs and gang violence turn to the power of yoga as a stress reducer," you see. All this does is make violent kids more flexible, which equals more torque on their kicks. Just great.
• More fat kid news out of California: Something called "Fitnessgram"—at least it's not a Golden Graham, ha—tells us that, statistically speaking, "teenagers are three times more likely to be overweight than their 1980s counterparts." If they made The Goonies today, the Truffle Shuffle would be a three-part dance routine. Furthermore, the rich kids are winning: "In suburban and wealthier communities, students generally posted higher fitness scores than those in urban areas with a greater percentage of low-income students." That's alarming, since our nation's Army is made up of the cream of the lower half of the graduating class of our poorest high schools. Will their yoga kicks be enough to fend off Saddam's remaining minions? Let's hope so.

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.

publish on Facebook

Upload an image | Add an image URL ×

Image URL: ×

Youtube URL: ×

Choose a file to upload:

×

Dsmvwl  Admin  Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×

Loading comments ...

Earlier discussions | Other discussions | Show all discussions | Show featured discussions only | Expand all threads Collapse all threads
Start a new discussion