Barack Obama Hates Jesus, Christmas, and Charlie Brown

You don't think so? Then why else would he schedule his presidential address about Afghanistan during the scheduled broadcast for a beloved American holiday institution like A Charlie Brown Christmas. Hmm?

Tonight at 8pm on all the networks you can hear the president talk about a scary war that will surely give you and your children nightmares when you could have been watching Charlie Brown and Linus in a sneaky Jesus Christmas special. Now we have to wait a whole week to see the Peanuts gang as well as the debut of Prep & Landing, the new animated Christmas show produced by Walt Disney. Barack Obama hates Mickey Mouse too!

And guess what is on tomorrow night? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on CBS. Thanks to Obama this gay rights parable will triumph over Charlie Brown's thinly-veiled conversion attempts. While he may hate everything that is holy and American, at least he loves the queers.